How Disordered Do You Want to Be?

stop-the-insanity-2I ask this because I, like you, have a choice.

The answer for me is … not at all.

We have a choice. We might tell ourselves our disordered minds are in control, but they’re not. We are.

If we punish ourselves with restriction or over-exercising, or if we punish ourselves with a binge, we’re doing it to ourselves.

It’s not about the food or the exercise; it’s always about something else. Food or exercise (lack of it or over-abundance of it) is a coping mechanism.

And I don’t want to use either as my coping mechanisms any longer.

This weekend, during an Honest.Open.Willing. chat with my husband, he asked me point-blank, “When will the obsession end?”

He sees me more than any of my friends and family, and he sees glimmers of hope, some aspects of behavioral change. He knows I want to be better, to be more fun again, to be the happy girl I was when I was heavy … but he (as well as others close to me) have said, ” … but the obsession is still there.”

He’s right, it is.

I want to turn it off. I don’t want to be disordered, or have disordered thoughts, or to make progress only to fall back. Continue reading “How Disordered Do You Want to Be?”