Have you ever bought something “naughty” knowing you were buying it to taunt yourself, and see if you could, indeed, live with it in your house without 1) binging on it or 2) tossing it in the trash?
If you have, you can join my disordered eating club. I’m guilty of this all the time. I’m constantly testing myself around food.
It started back in college, innocently enough: ordering something I really, really wanted but “knew I shouldn’t have” and “shrouding” it with a napkin when I was half-way through, something my dear college friends and I started doing in the dining hall and then, later, out in the real world.
But many years later, things got worse.
Buying reduced fat Edy’s Loaded cookie dough ice cream, knowing full-well I’m going to pick out all the cookie dough bites at 2 a.m.
Picking up a bag of cheddar Chex mix or candy corn at Walgreen’s when I go in to refill a prescription, knowing full-well both are triggers for me.
Or, though I haven’t done it in 24 days now … buying chocolate I know full well I will chew and spit. (But again, I’m 24 days “clean”)
I know myself “full well,” as you probably all do. You know your triggers in life and with relation to food. You know what makes you tick.
And over the years, I’ve learned I am a glutton for punishment, and seem to get a “high” from the purchases, even though I know that it will not last, especially if guilt ensues. Continue reading “Paradigm Shift: Testing Myself Around Food”