Buckle down

I spent most of my childhood and teenage years cheerleading. One of my earliest cheers (when I was a Road Runner, on the third-grade cheerleading squad) was “Buckle Down.”

you can do it, you can do itif you put your mind to it
buckle down, buckle down,
do it, do it, do it! Continue reading “Buckle down”

Making Mantras

repeat-businessI know I said I wouldn’t be back til the new year, but I have been feeling kind of blah and felt compelled to write tonight. So … here goes! Forgive the rambling; I’m all over the place right now.

This is what I want my mantra to be for 2009: “I am going to let it be.”

I say it all the time: how I need to do it, how half my anxiety would dissipate if I’d just act it and live it … but here’s the rub: anyone who knows me knows I don’t actually do it.

And — something Dr. G. has confirmed through our sessions — it’s like, as an anxious person, I’m hard-wired not to be able to just “let it be” … and I think that is what is standing in the way of getting back to a comfortable weight.

Fighting against my own nature, my own hard-wiring, instead of using it to my advantage. Wanting to be someone I’m not capable of being, instead of accepting the person I am, the hard-wiring I have.

I don’t mean to imply I’m not capable of getting back to a comfortable weight. But rather, I’m fighting myself and my hard-wiring, berating myself for not being able to “let it be,” when maybe I should be using my anxious nature to my advantage (i.e., tooting my own horn for being a good friend and partner, a disciplined and consicientious woman).

You remember that song, “More Than Words?” Well, right now I’ve been talking the talk but not walking the walk when it comes to acceptance; I’m not showing my body the love it deserves because deep down I don’t believe I deserve to “let it be” — not here; not at this weight. I’m not ready and maybe I never will be ready to “let it be.” In fact, trying so hard to loosen up my thoughts, to “let it be” — I’ve gained weight. Since September, all I’ve done is gained. Literally.

It’s a fact. And it’s not the usual couple pounds people moan about after the holidays; it’s been a steady gain all fall/winter, just like last fall/winter and the one before it.

I can see it in photos, in how my clothes fit (tighter than they should, though not so bad that I can’t wear them) and of course on the scale. (As if I needed that darn machine to confirm what I already know!)

And though I wish I could just accept it and not be bothered by it, I’m not happy about it; I don’t want to be ok with it. And I won’t settle for it because this is not my body’s happy weight, nor is it my happy weight. Continue reading “Making Mantras”