I know I said I wouldn’t be back til the new year, but I have been feeling kind of blah and felt compelled to write tonight. So … here goes! Forgive the rambling; I’m all over the place right now.
This is what I want my mantra to be for 2009: “I am going to let it be.”
I say it all the time: how I need to do it, how half my anxiety would dissipate if I’d just act it and live it … but here’s the rub: anyone who knows me knows I don’t actually do it.
And — something Dr. G. has confirmed through our sessions — it’s like, as an anxious person, I’m hard-wired not to be able to just “let it be” … and I think that is what is standing in the way of getting back to a comfortable weight.
Fighting against my own nature, my own hard-wiring, instead of using it to my advantage. Wanting to be someone I’m not capable of being, instead of accepting the person I am, the hard-wiring I have.
I don’t mean to imply I’m not capable of getting back to a comfortable weight. But rather, I’m fighting myself and my hard-wiring, berating myself for not being able to “let it be,” when maybe I should be using my anxious nature to my advantage (i.e., tooting my own horn for being a good friend and partner, a disciplined and consicientious woman).
You remember that song, “More Than Words?” Well, right now I’ve been talking the talk but not walking the walk when it comes to acceptance; I’m not showing my body the love it deserves because deep down I don’t believe I deserve to “let it be” — not here; not at this weight. I’m not ready and maybe I never will be ready to “let it be.” In fact, trying so hard to loosen up my thoughts, to “let it be” — I’ve gained weight. Since September, all I’ve done is gained. Literally.
It’s a fact. And it’s not the usual couple pounds people moan about after the holidays; it’s been a steady gain all fall/winter, just like last fall/winter and the one before it.
I can see it in photos, in how my clothes fit (tighter than they should, though not so bad that I can’t wear them) and of course on the scale. (As if I needed that darn machine to confirm what I already know!)
And though I wish I could just accept it and not be bothered by it, I’m not happy about it; I don’t want to be ok with it. And I won’t settle for it because this is not my body’s happy weight, nor is it my happy weight. Continue reading “Making Mantras”