The Evil Binge Monster & Random Thoughts About Running

I’ve often said “awareness is half the battle” when it came to my disordered eating recovery process.

But the past two weeks — in spite of being painfully aware that I’ve been over-eating — or this past weekend, when I just gave in to emotional eating, period (borderlining on binges) — all the awareness in the world — even recognizing the “why” — hasn’t helped me stop.

I’m not channeling the CBT techniques I learned in therapy, like trying to occupy myself with other thoughts or doing something else when the impulse to eat strikes — recognizing food won’t fill a void but rather is just anesthetizing me to whatever I’m feeling, as Kara DioGuardi noted in this month’s Women’s Health cover story.

I’m basically just giving into the orange binge monster (WW’s adorable mascot) whatever, whenever. And it’s ugly. Continue reading “The Evil Binge Monster & Random Thoughts About Running”

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Shrouding: Disordered or Not?

Heather’s recent post, “Helpful Hint or Disordered Eating” at Hangry Pants really got me thinking …

As Heather notes in her post, “For some time we’ve debated food destruction – ruining your food with something like salt or hot sauce so that it is inedible. Jillian Michaels pours candle wax on her food (thanks for the link Julie) when she is full, and instructs Biggest Loser players to destroy desserts with salt.”

While I think Jillian’s solution is on the extreme side, it saddens me to admit it’s not something I couldn’t have imagined myself doing back in the day of peak disorderedness.

Sad but true.

Continue reading “Shrouding: Disordered or Not?”

Food Revolution & The Obesity Crisis in America

I feel like it’s been eons since I wrote a blog post, but last night we caught Jamie Oliver on Campbell Brown on CNN, plugging his new show, Food Revolution and I was fully inspired to write.

Though we didn’t see the actual 2-hour premier (got home too late for that) we saw the segment with the mom from W. Va. who has her fridge/freezer unloaded by Jamie.

Staring at the disgusting-looking pile of junk food and frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets and lord knows what else … he basically tells the mom (who is overweight, if not obese) that eating this way is basically killing her and her children, cutting their lives short by 14 years or so.

When you see the tears start to well up in her face, it’s hard not to be moved to tears yourself. My husband and I just sat there, stunned, looking at the TV. Continue reading “Food Revolution & The Obesity Crisis in America”

When Logic Fails

Anxiety is rearing its ugly head once again.

Or maybe it’s not anxiety; I don’t know for sure. Maybe it’s just fatigue? Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

I know I’ve said it quite a bit recently, but for the past few months, I’ve been having trouble with not giving in to temptations.

Logic says: If I didn’t buy it, I wouldn’t eat it.

You’d never see me order a cheeseburger or fries at a restaurant (I prefer to make meals like that at home, modified to my liking where I’m controlling the ingredients and can “healthify” the meal) .

Yet I seem to have no problem buying trashy processed Chex Mix and lack-luster chocolate bars that I’ll take a bite of before tossing–wasting both hard-earned money and precious calories that could be/should be spent on nutritious options. Continue reading “When Logic Fails”

Emotional Eating Rears Its Ugly Head

Confession: I haven’t had any binges, per se, since being sick and recovering from H1N1 … but I’ve definitely done more emotional eating than I had been in a while.

While I’m not particularly proud of my choices (I’ve eaten so many crackers and pretzels and Chex and stuff I just didn’t need) over the past week — when this could have been an opportunity to just eat clean

But the truth is, I haven’t been feeling good and all that has sounded good has been carbs. And processed carbs, at that.

Though it didn’t stop me from eating what I craved, I definitely went over my daily Points and my weekly Points allowance … without one iota of exercise.  Continue reading “Emotional Eating Rears Its Ugly Head”

Beckoners Vs. Hummers

BagelsAs you know, I’ve been chew/spit free since mid-March.

But I am still struggling with impulsive food purchases/eating.

 Granted, this isn’t nearly as terrible a habit as c/s was, but it’s still something that doesn’t exactly inspire pride, and is dangerous for my waistline.

Fortunately, at the gym this weekend, I found Geneen Roth’s latest column in Good Housekeeping which talks about why we eat what we eat. (I tried to find it online, but it’s not there yet.)

To summarize, in the article, she places the foods we eat into two categories: hummers and beckoners.

Continue reading “Beckoners Vs. Hummers”

My “Thesis” & the Final Frontier of Recovery

CB067697I got the most sincere and beautiful e-mail from a reader yesterday; e-mails like this reaffirm that I’m doing the right thing blogging and sharing my journey of discovery and recovery with the world, for better or for worse.

Without going into details of what she said,  I wanted to share some thoughts I came away with after reading her message.

She pointed out that not journaling/IE/learning to trust myself, even for just a few days as an experiment —  is kind of my last frontier of my disordered eating journey.

As she noted, I stopped chewing and spitting, my midnight incidents are few and far between, I’m not over-exercising as much, I know all about nutrition and portion size and portion control …

The only thing left, really, is to trust myself. The scariest notion of all, but the most necessary.

I likened it to my “graduate thesis” of sorts. My “capstone,” if you will — something I have real-world experience with. Continue reading “My “Thesis” & the Final Frontier of Recovery”