A Dollar A Day

Piggy bankI’ve confessed I have a wee bit of a shopping problem, and that one of the biggest problems with my history of chewing and spitting was that I was wasting food (i.e., money) left and rightliterally.

Fortunately, I haven’t chewed/spit in well over three monthshurrah, me!

But I’ve still had trouble buying stuff and just taking a bite before chucking it, when I know deep down I just don’t need it, yet I emotionally want it for whatever the reason du jour.

And, more importantly, if I’m not going to be eating the whole thing anyway (in a day, or a week), why bother buying it in the first place?

My best friend and I were dorm mates all through college, and it always amazed me how she could have a pack of M&Ms on her desk that could last for a week.

She has a serious sweet tooth like me (hello, it’s naturally part of why we’re BFF!). And if she wanted to eat the whole pack in a day, she would eat it, no prob.

But if it was in front of me or on my desk for a minute, chances were, it’d be gone, whether I wanted it or not — for me, it’s often emotional; she doesn’t struggle with that attachment to food like I always have.

So about three weeks ago, after a talk with my husband (where I shared how I really want to grasp the concept of saving better) he suggested a good, easy idea I could start immediately: putting just a dollar a day in a little jar at home (vs. sliding money into my savings account, which just feels automatic and cold).

Just a buck. No big commitment, right? Continue reading “A Dollar A Day”

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It’s Happening Again …

sleepwalking-eatingNo, no, not chewing and spitting (whew!)

After months and months of not waking and eating in the middle of the night, save for the occasional blip on the radar (usually right before my period), the past three weeks I’ve been doing it again fairly regularly, I’m sad to say.

I always wake to use the bathroom … and sometimes I just go back to bed. But other times, I find myself making a beeline for the kitchen in a stupor, a fog.

Often in the past I could tie it to stress, or emotions.

But the irony is, I’m not stressed or feeling particularly emotional — in fact, I feel the calmest I’ve been in ages! Life is good; I feel like I’m in a good place in all aspects of my life: love, family, friends, work, self-image, fitness, health … even financially.

I’m eating enough during the day, I’m eating cleanly (and not restrictively) … I’ve been careful about not over-exercising. So what gives?!

There’s really no excuse, but I’ve noticed once I have one or two nights of doing it, it becomes a habitual thing. And I want so desperately to nip it, once and for all. Yet it seems to keep rearing its ugly head. Continue reading “It’s Happening Again …”

Cherry Jubilee

cherriesTonight, I had delicious sweet cherries for dessert — a Michigan favorite.

Of all the kitchen gadgets we’ve amassed over the past three years, we don’t have a cherry pitter at home.

So I had to spit out the seeds.

Now, this might not sound like a big deal to most people — of course when you eat cherries and don’t have a cherry pitter, you have to spit out the pits — but it was to me.

Since it’s been three months since I’ve chewed and spit, the very action of chewing and spitting –however normal/natural, given the situation (cherries, watermelon, etc., have seeds; people spit them out) — gave me pause.

And staring at all the pits on the napkin I was using made me feel positively gross, reminding me of the wadded up napkins and plastic bags full of chewed-up chocolate in my not-so-distant-past. Continue reading “Cherry Jubilee”

The Storm Before the Calm?

The creek in our backyard
The creek in our backyard
I am not trying to jinx myself here, but I wonder if I’m experiencing the reversal of the expression, “the calm before the storm.”

After months of “stormy” misery, struggling with chewing and spitting and midnight eating and then quitting those habits but still emotionally-eating, over-eating and making bad choices, I feel like I can see the horizon now.

Like I’m on the path somewhere, kind of that rejuvenation I felt in 2004 when I joined WW.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but for the past four days I’ve felt incredible. No DE behaviors at all. I’ve been journaling, sticking to my Points (loving knowing I have so many WPAs left if I need them!) eating cleanly, exercising in moderation, getting plenty of sleep.

Honestly, there’s been no urge to over-eat, no urge to chew/spit. (I’m 10, almost 11 weeks “sober”!) Continue reading “The Storm Before the Calm?”

Walking the Talk

walk_the_talk_main_logoFor more than nine weeks now, I’ve been talking the talk and walking the talk when it comes to my ugliest disordered eating habit: chewing and spitting.

Since I haven’t chewed or spit, I’ve felt pretty darn awesome and proud, in case you can’t tell. 😉

But in spite of this awesome progress, I’m not walking the talk 100 percent just yet.

How so? Well, I still struggle with impulse buys and impulse eats, often the very same things in my pre-chewing-and-spitting days I shunned … and then later chewed and spit. Stuff like chocolate, or Chex mix, or Luna bars. Continue reading “Walking the Talk”

Chew/Spit Free … 6 Weeks and Counting

fruit_facePeople say it takes 21 days to create a habit, and I’m guessing it takes a little longer to resist a habit.

That said, I just wanted to share with everyone here that I’ve been chew/spit free for six weeks now! … A tremendous accomplishment, and one of which I am very, very proud.

It doesn’t mean I am confident enough to say six weeks means I’m out of the woods just yet –we all know blips on the radar, pebbles on the road are part of the recovery process–but I am so happy to be where I am mentally right now, in this moment. (No jinxing it, ok?!)

I owe a big thank you to my friends and family and husband who really helped me see that THIS IS IN MY CONTROL. Continue reading “Chew/Spit Free … 6 Weeks and Counting”

From Guilt to Pride

hpim17811Coming off the heels of my last therapy session last night (at least for now) I had a pretty powerful conversation with my younger brother Thursday night, who lives in California.

He doesn’t read my blog, but he knows what has been going on, and he’s been concerned.

The last time we spoke about chewing and spitting a couple months ago, I’d gone three weeks without doing it, which was a pretty good streak.

And so he was surprised to hear from my sister that I still sometimes did it. He knew of the conversation I’d had with her earlier this week (which instigated the “to blog or not to blog” post) and so when he called, he expressed concern.

We talked for a long time — I’m super-close with my siblings, so this isn’t abnormal — and one of the things that he said really hit home.

He asked how I feel after I chew and spit, and I told the truth. I said usually, I feel guilty because it’s such a gross behavior. But sometimes, I acknowledged, it feels good.

He asked if, knowing how bad it often makes me feel most of the time, I could just not buy the candy bar at all, especially if I bought it solely with the intent to spit.

Since I’d shared with him how c/s is my “rebellion,” he suggested maybe then I’d be able to “rebel” against chewing and spitting it, since I fully agreed it’s an unhealthy and gross habit. Continue reading “From Guilt to Pride”