Crying over spilled — and spit-up — milk

I wouldn’t say I had a successful breastfeeding experience with Maya. I did a combo of nursing, pumping and formula for her first nine months and stressed myself to the max. My supply sucked, but I kept at it … even when only two of her seven or so feedings a day were coming from me. I guilted myself into doing it because I thought I “should,” but in retrospect, I really didn’t give it my all.

This time, I took a different approach. I said I’d give it my all, but refused to feel guilted into it if things weren’t going well. Nearly seven weeks in, I can say it has actually not been too terrible and I feel like I truly have been giving it my all. I got help when we needed it early on with the lactation consultants and as Ben’s latch got better, the experience became less burdensome. I supplemented with formula when he was losing weight (and am still giving him some each day). I’m eating more (and therefore not losing any more weight at the moment). I’m eating oatmeal and drinking more water (to help boost supply). Continue reading “Crying over spilled — and spit-up — milk”

Food Evolutions

Now that Maya is starting to eat solids (rice cereal with her 10 AM feeding — soon to be coupled with fruit; a veggie with her 4 PM feeding; a little more cereal with her 7 PM feeding), a whole new world has opened up for our family.

Watching her slurp up her solids (and getting them ALL over her face or all over ME when she blows raspberries with a full mouth [manners will come later!]), attempt to “chew” with her gums, and open her little birdie mouth for the spoon (it’s the cutest thing!) I got to thinking about how my own relationship with food has evolved since my infancy.

I’ve said before that my disordered habits didn’t begin til 2005, a year AFTER I lost weight on Weight Watchers. But looking back at my food history, I noticed there were some not-so-obvious hints at a future problem.

I could sum my evolution in seven phases: Childhood (ages 0-13), High School, College, Weight Watchers, Borderline Orthorexia, Chewing/Spitting, Pregnancy, and Now. Continue reading “Food Evolutions”

From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

My blog has gone through many changes in the nearly three years I’ve been writing (click here for my first post!). While I’ve undergone many physical and emotional changes in that time, the title of this post expresses the surface changes. (And once I can figure out how to edit my darn blog’s custom header I will!)

What does it mean to be “recovered”? I used to question this all the time, and still do.

Let’s look at the facts:

-I’m not chewing/spitting.

-I’m not over-exercising.

-I’m not waking and, half-asleep, eating in the middle of the night.

Those were the methods of my madness, er, disorderedness.

They are in my past. Continue reading “From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered””

Be Safe, Be Well & As Always, Be Happy

That’s how my mom signs off on every e-mail. And though she usually uses the short-hand version (BSBWAAABH), I know what she means and love it every time I see it. They’re words to live by.

Going along with my mom’s mantra, this is a picture my hubby took of me this weekend in Spring Lake, NJ … one of the most beautiful places along the Jersey shore and NOT someplace you’ll ever see chronicled on the lovely reality show 😉

Spring Lake is an upscale seaside town comprised of mansions and B&Bs and beautiful surf … it’s just incredible and was a perfect setting for a family wedding!! 🙂 Continue reading “Be Safe, Be Well & As Always, Be Happy”

… Questioning “Recovered”

Last week I mentioned how happy I was to feel “recovered” in that I recognize when others are being obsessive and it annoys me.

And while I’ve never fooled myself into thinking my issues were gone, yesterday I had the sharp realization that I’m not 100% there yet. Continue reading “… Questioning “Recovered””

Choosing Pride Over Guilt–Guest Bloggin’ About Recovery

I’m flattered to be guest blogging over at Confessions of a Compulsive Eater today about my recovery journey and where I am today.  Check it out here or after the jump. Continue reading “Choosing Pride Over Guilt–Guest Bloggin’ About Recovery”

Attaching a Goal to a Mantra

Me this weekend, ready for the challenge!!

Piggybacking off today’s previous post …

So my SELF subscription still hasn’t run out yet, which means I’m still reading each issue I get.

Though I loathe the magazine editor’s ‘tude (and find her lame excuses pitiful) following the Kelly Clarkson cover debacle in September, I genuinely like the content of SELF and, in fact, came across another great article yesterday that both rejuvenated and inspired me to get back on the healthy wagon and stay there.

I can’t find the article online, but it was basically little journal entries of a woman’s journey as she lost 28 lbs. over the course of a year.

Reading her words — including her ups and downs — reminded me so much of my own journey, and of my former self … the dedicated dieter who attempted weight loss just once and it worked like a charm. Continue reading “Attaching a Goal to a Mantra”

A Dollar A Day

Piggy bankI’ve confessed I have a wee bit of a shopping problem, and that one of the biggest problems with my history of chewing and spitting was that I was wasting food (i.e., money) left and rightliterally.

Fortunately, I haven’t chewed/spit in well over three monthshurrah, me!

But I’ve still had trouble buying stuff and just taking a bite before chucking it, when I know deep down I just don’t need it, yet I emotionally want it for whatever the reason du jour.

And, more importantly, if I’m not going to be eating the whole thing anyway (in a day, or a week), why bother buying it in the first place?

My best friend and I were dorm mates all through college, and it always amazed me how she could have a pack of M&Ms on her desk that could last for a week.

She has a serious sweet tooth like me (hello, it’s naturally part of why we’re BFF!). And if she wanted to eat the whole pack in a day, she would eat it, no prob.

But if it was in front of me or on my desk for a minute, chances were, it’d be gone, whether I wanted it or not — for me, it’s often emotional; she doesn’t struggle with that attachment to food like I always have.

So about three weeks ago, after a talk with my husband (where I shared how I really want to grasp the concept of saving better) he suggested a good, easy idea I could start immediately: putting just a dollar a day in a little jar at home (vs. sliding money into my savings account, which just feels automatic and cold).

Just a buck. No big commitment, right? Continue reading “A Dollar A Day”

It’s Happening Again …

sleepwalking-eatingNo, no, not chewing and spitting (whew!)

After months and months of not waking and eating in the middle of the night, save for the occasional blip on the radar (usually right before my period), the past three weeks I’ve been doing it again fairly regularly, I’m sad to say.

I always wake to use the bathroom … and sometimes I just go back to bed. But other times, I find myself making a beeline for the kitchen in a stupor, a fog.

Often in the past I could tie it to stress, or emotions.

But the irony is, I’m not stressed or feeling particularly emotional — in fact, I feel the calmest I’ve been in ages! Life is good; I feel like I’m in a good place in all aspects of my life: love, family, friends, work, self-image, fitness, health … even financially.

I’m eating enough during the day, I’m eating cleanly (and not restrictively) … I’ve been careful about not over-exercising. So what gives?!

There’s really no excuse, but I’ve noticed once I have one or two nights of doing it, it becomes a habitual thing. And I want so desperately to nip it, once and for all. Yet it seems to keep rearing its ugly head. Continue reading “It’s Happening Again …”

Cherry Jubilee

cherriesTonight, I had delicious sweet cherries for dessert — a Michigan favorite.

Of all the kitchen gadgets we’ve amassed over the past three years, we don’t have a cherry pitter at home.

So I had to spit out the seeds.

Now, this might not sound like a big deal to most people — of course when you eat cherries and don’t have a cherry pitter, you have to spit out the pits — but it was to me.

Since it’s been three months since I’ve chewed and spit, the very action of chewing and spitting –however normal/natural, given the situation (cherries, watermelon, etc., have seeds; people spit them out) — gave me pause.

And staring at all the pits on the napkin I was using made me feel positively gross, reminding me of the wadded up napkins and plastic bags full of chewed-up chocolate in my not-so-distant-past. Continue reading “Cherry Jubilee”