Wanting It

Senior year: I'm on the far left, standing.
Senior year: I'm on the far left, standing.
I think I’ve always been driven to move.

I began dancing at age three, and continued through my sophomore year of high school (tap, jazz, ballet, pointe), when I had to stop because I made Varsity cheerleading.

I’d cheered every year since fifth grade, and thought I could continue to do both, even on Varsity.

But the commitment was enormous, and as the season wore on, I needed to make a choice between the two, and in the end, I quit dancing. Fortunately, I’ve never regretted my decision. (My background in dance no doubt helped me make the squad each year).

As one of four sophomores to make the team, we weren’t necessarily guaranteed spots on the squad for the rest of high school. We had to prove ourselves year after year, and there was really no time for much else. We began training the summer before the football season, always went to cheerleading camp, and our season didn’t end til Thanksgiving, or later.

I made the commitment because it was my passion, and I loved it — even during some really tough times, I knew there was no where else I’d rather be than out on the mat with these girls. Continue reading “Wanting It”

The Thin Veil of Secrecy

hidingface2For the past three days, while sick, I’ve been chewing and spitting chocolate — not at home or at work where anyone could see me, but in my car. Alone.

Yup. Sick.

See, I’ve had to go to Target for various items and well, they have a good candy selection, one I can often walk by … but clearly not the past three days.

Reese’s Whips, Reese’s White Chocolate eggs, and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream bars were my vices of choice.

I’m fully aware it’s a compulsive behavior Continue reading “The Thin Veil of Secrecy”

Slight Detour/Update

So the trainer at my gym never returned my calls to confirm our 5:30 a.m. appointment Tuesday morning. Frankly, without a confirmation, I’m not going to rise and shine only to arrive at the gym for the heck of it. I’ll go after work and see if we can reschedule for another time/date.

(And get in a workout since I took today off — muuuuuuuuuuch needed!)

This actually works out for the best because I need to have fasted for 12 hours leading up to the session for an accurate body composition test, and I was and I was STARVING after my Lia Sophia event tonigh.

Though I am usually the Queen of planning, I made a bunch of poor choices tonight due to lack of planning. I had planned to grab a PB&J, carrots and apple at home before the event, but I had to work til 6 and had to eat whatever I had at my desk/fridge at work — instant grits, carrots and a Laughing Cow Light wedge) and was naturally starving at 9:30 when my event got out. Continue reading “Slight Detour/Update”

A Challenging Weekend

Today’s a confessional post. No, it’s not about midnight eating — I’ve been in the clear for a while.

I am struggling with my journaling on Sparkpeople. Not the act of journaling — I’m a pro at that. But rather about a pickle I’ve gotten myself into. See, my caloric range is 1270-1570. Not terrible, provided I stick to it; it’s a perfectly acceptable range and most days, totally do-able.

I’ve discovered on WW I was eating too much to lose. I lose when I’m in the 1400-1500 range with my usual exercise (which would be basically WW target points plus a couple Flex) but the past two weeks, after a kick-ass first week back on Sparkpeople, I’ve simply not been able to get it together.

What I mean is, I had one high day two weeks ago, and I’ve been “buying calories” for the next day ever since … Technically this isn’t cheating, as I am not going above my limit for the week, but it’s cheating because I am not in my range that one day.

And I gained last week — the same 1.4 I’d lost the previous week. Sure, it could have been a fluke (I hadn’t weighed in all week and didn’t this weekend, either) but I am sure eating at the high end of my range isn’t helping me any. Continue reading “A Challenging Weekend”

Hunger + Exhaustion + Anxiety = Chew-and-Spit

iciclesLast night after work, I drove to the gym to get in a last workout for the week … and turned around.

I was seriously so proud of myself. It’s so very rare I do that (I can count twice in the past 6 months — both of which have been documented here)

But this week alone (my “week” goes Friday to Friday) I had burned an awesome 3300 calories in exercise (per my heart rate monitor — I usually aim for 2800-3000) and have been sticking to my SP range, never going above the max limit.

So I didn’t need the exercise, and knew a night off would probably be beneficial for my muscles. In addition to that, I was wiped out after a restless night’s sleep the previous night … and the biggest factor of all: I was genuinely hungry and knew a workout would only make me want to eat more later.

All of these factore led to the rational, calm, sane decision to take a night off.

I went home intending to just unwind with my husband, since this has been a stressful week for both of us and we hadn’t spent much time together.

But that was not to be, thanks to Mother Nature. Continue reading “Hunger + Exhaustion + Anxiety = Chew-and-Spit”

A Cookie Monster Moment

Well, I’ve been feeling awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that I had lost track of how many days it’s been since I had chewed-and-spit … all I know is that the last time was early-to-mid-September.

And, like anyone in a recovery program (mine being self-created) it’s natural to fall back into old ways on occasion. I’ve reframed it in my mind that it’s not a crime, so long as it doesn’t become a habit.

In fact, I debated even sharing this story — I don’t owe it to anyone, but myself.

But, wanting to live authentically and being the open person I am — and given the fact that this information might be a gift to someone who reads this blog (seeing that, even though I’m trying, no one is perfect), I figured keeping this tale private would hurt no one but me.

I had a wonderful weekend — ate well, exercised, relaxed, had fun with my husband and with my friends.

Saturday we were going to a friend’s dinner party and, knowing that for religious reasons the couple doesn’t drink, I opted to bake Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie bars for them.

I chose these deliberately because I am not a huge cookie fan, and didn’t think I’d be tempted (and because most people eat this kind of cookie).

Ironically enough, one of the foods I’ve chewed-and-spit in the past (with great frequency) has been cookies I’ve just made … probably because they smell so damn good, but the taste has never really been “my thing” where I’d say “No, I shouldn’t have these around.” Continue reading “A Cookie Monster Moment”

Facing Your Fears

Regardless of who you plan to vote for in November, no one can deny that we live in a scary world right now.

Gas and food prices are through the roof, age-old financial markets are crashing, the housing market sucks … and that’s just talking about the economy.

Add in the health care crisis, global warning, lack of true energy security, fear of terrorism, racism, sexism … it’s simply not “pretty times.”

And the icing on the cake: disordered eating issues! (and in-laws who have overstayed their welcome by, oh, about three weeks! I genuinely think I wouldn’t have been half as bothered had it been two weeks. Really!)

If you’re an anxious person like I am, you’ll understand why all these things help keep me up at night.

Sometimes it seems like worrying about our weight or food or workouts or waist size is monumental … and other times, it seems trivial in light of all the craptastic things going on in our world. Continue reading “Facing Your Fears”

A Little (Body) TLC

Image credit: amaze.typepad.com
Lately, I’ve been struggling with the chew-and-spit aspect of my disordered eating more frequently than the midnight wake-ups, which is a complete reversal from where things had been the past few years.

At least now I have an explanation for the behavior, but stress and anxiety aren’t the only reasons why I have been falling back into old habits.

Part of it is that I’m not giving my body enough TLC.

I can feel my husband’s embrace around my waist, get compliments over Facebook from people I haven’t seen in years, hear someone at work tell me I look good … but if I, Melissa, am not giving my body the tender-loving-care it needs, well, I’m only hurting myself.

Today, my vow is simple: to not chew-and-spit. Continue reading “A Little (Body) TLC”