I’ve often said “awareness is half the battle” when it came to my disordered eating recovery process.
But the past two weeks — in spite of being painfully aware that I’ve been over-eating — or this past weekend, when I just gave in to emotional eating, period (borderlining on binges) — all the awareness in the world — even recognizing the “why” — hasn’t helped me stop.
I’m not channeling the CBT techniques I learned in therapy, like trying to occupy myself with other thoughts or doing something else when the impulse to eat strikes — recognizing food won’t fill a void but rather is just anesthetizing me to whatever I’m feeling, as Kara DioGuardi noted in this month’s Women’s Health cover story.
Today, as I sat at work eating mini Reese’s peanut butter cups on autopilot (taking a little nibble and tossing them, one by one) and docking the Points one by one, feeling like a temporary failure (knowing HELLO, I shouldn’t have bought them in the first place, let alone brought them in to the office, as they’re a trigger food …) I couldn’t help but wonder …
Doesn’t everyone want to be the best they can be?
Or is it just a few of us in this world that set really high expectations for ourselves and feel disappointed in ourselves when we “screw up?”
I don’t think it’s a crazy question to ask — with respect to recovery or life more generally. I think it’s human nature to want to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Continue reading “Be All That You Can Be.”→
Depending on where I am mentally or emotionally, sometimes I can have a bag of pretzels at home for two months without going near them or thinking about them …
Other times I can enjoy a small handful now and then and be done with them …
And other times, I can’t get them in the trash quickly enough.
I hate to be wasteful, and I realize how awful it is to throw out food (why buy it in the first place?!). But I liken “what is a trigger food” to how sometimes my IBS (which has been much better the past five years on WW) can flare up from eating, say, tomato sauce one day, and the next day I’ll be fine with it …
I’ve always had my midnight incidents, but I’ve never called them a real “binge” because I had never been truly out of control. I always weighed and measured, and never went beyond 5 pts.
But last night at 2 a.m., after going to bed happy and tired at 12:30 when my husband got home from class and we’d chatted, I woke suddenly at 2:22 a.m. and the monster hit. No clue why. I’d had a good day, a happy day (despite hearing that a family member — a second cousin — had passed away).
I am mortified to share this damage with you, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t share my stumbles as well as my successes.
After a 23 pt day with moderate exercise (a walk and then 2 activity points (APs) of cardio at the gym) I ate pretty much anything I hadn’t had that day and had thought about — all at once!
I didn’t post on Friday because I wanted to enjoy my birthday with no distractions.
While blogging is fun for me, some nights/days it can be like a job…and if I truly wanted to savor the day/weekend, I needed to separate myself for a little bit from the laptop. And thinking about food/exercise.
Ironically, Thursday night (my birthday) I had my first qualifiable “binge” — it was ridiculous. I ate like 10 points at 2 a.m. It was ugly. And I felt awful on Friday.
The thing was, I had had such a great day (lots of calls, e-mails, gorgeous flowers from my husband and a wonderful gift), and had been planning on saving my points for my big birthday dinner out on Friday night with friends …
In retrospect, I think maybe I should have treated myself to something on my actual birthday, because it backfired royally. Instead of savoring something with my husband and friends, I ended up eating alone, mindlessly, at 2 a.m. It was as though I’d been “deprived.”