Weighty Matters

Confession time: I am human.

OK, I know you already know that, but hear me out. Because for all of the acceptance I’ve come to experience in terms of my own body confidence, I am pregnant and therefore, gaining weight. This is fine — it’s what should be happening, and what I am totally grateful for … believe me, I know how lucky I am to be in this position right now!

But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard some days. See, it seems like everyone I know right now (in real life and the blogosphere) is on an intense weight-loss mission. Maybe it’s summer coming … who knows. They’re dieting and/or ramping up their exercise. They are doing awesome and I’m completely proud of their hard work and efforts — their commitment is infectious.

But while their resistance muscles are strong — and mine WAS strong at one point — it is now weak. I am pregnant, and I simply cannot jump on this bandwagon. Continue reading “Weighty Matters”

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Learning from the Dogs

First of all, happy birthday to my amazing husband, who is turning 32 today! Happy birthday, L! 🙂 XOXO — may 32 be your best year yet!

So this weekend we had his birthday/citizenship party, which was a blast.

Sure, party-prepping and hostessing are exhausting, but I love to do it and it just makes us so happy to have our friends over — especially since neither of us have family less than a plane ride away.

Truly, our friends here in Michigan have become our family … and we are very blessed.

Then yesterday we went to brunch with friends and took our dogs to the new dog park that recently opened. It never ceases to amaze me what you can learn in the most unexpected of places.

Dogs are like humans in so many ways. Dogs are so easily satisfied with the simple things in life: sun, shade, water, food, treats, and above all … attention/affection. Like us, they ultimately just want to be loved. Continue reading “Learning from the Dogs”

“You’ve Got to Want it to Win it”

I was a competitive cheerleader from sixth grade through high school.

My senior year, our team won a bid to the Universal Cheerleading Association’s Nationals competition in Orlando, Florida. It was a dream come true, and though we didn’t come close to placing, we had heart and determination that no one could deny.

One cheer that we used to use all the time as a get-psyched/get-pepped chant was:

“You’ve got to want it, to win it, to take it to the limit.
To take it to the limit, you want it and you win it.”

Yesterday, while chatting with a friend, something struck me: all this time I’ve been seeking to “win it” (weight loss battle, disordered eating issues, equating being thin = happy) when suddenly it hit me that maybe I won a long time ago; maybe I’m already a winner?!

I have an amazing and devoted husband, a fabulous family and support system of friends, a fantastic career, a house that is truly ours, and two degrees. I’m a demon at the gym, am physically healthy, and am learning to deal with anxiety and disordered eating issues …

Really, what more am I looking for to be happy with myself? A couple nagging pounds?! Will that really make a difference? Continue reading ““You’ve Got to Want it to Win it””

Accepting Deprivation With Grace

“You need to learn to accept deprivation with grace,” Dr. G. advised me last night.

“You’ll need to change your mindset about how you’re viewing their visit… and it won’t be easy.”

(In case you haven’t figured out by now, Thursday generally = therapy).

We were talking about my anxiety levels with my in-laws being here, and how it no doubt puts a strain on my relationship with my husband, as well as how I feel about myself and my quasi-“hateful” reactions at times.

She said no doubt I am deprived right now (she said she would be too!): my whole house has been “invaded,” foreign objects and foods and “things” are everywhere, depriving me of my sense of “order”.

There’s a language challenge (despite me speaking Spanish and my mother-in-law speaking English, neither of us are completely fluent anymore) which means my communication abilities are deprived. Continue reading “Accepting Deprivation With Grace”

A “Healthy” Obsession?

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Sometimes I think my obsession with food and exercise isn’t such a big deal.

Yes, I realize this is my blog about disordered eating, which in most people’s minds equals “bad,” but let me explain.

(I’m searching for the “gray” here, trying to avoid black and white terms.)

See, although it’s caused me a lot of internal strife, it seems as though my obsession has almost worked in my favor, in the sense that I’ve not allowed myself to gain more than a couple pounds from my lowest, attained in 2004.

True, I’m not “at goal” at the moment (teetering about 5-7 lbs from it still depending on that time of the month) but it’s attainable, and I am working on changing some unhealthy behaviors associated with disordered eating that drain me.

I really think the reason I haven’t gained more (or “let myself” gain more) is because even under the most stressful of situations (and I’ve had many over the years), I’m naturally hard-wired to be regimented, at all costs. So I still ate well and exercised–two surefire ways for keeping the weight off.

And in spite of the ugly behaviors that began since losing weight, I’ve still been able to maintain a healthy weight–and now I just want to do it in a healthier, happier way. Continue reading “A “Healthy” Obsession?”