dear time: please stand still …

An anxious person by nature, I’m always looking ahead: to the next phone meeting, the next project, the next phone call, the next workout, the next meal, the next event, the next trip, the next milestone … you name it and I’m already ten steps ahead.

It’s just the way my anxious brain works and, as I learned in my first therapy session six years ago (and contrary to popular belief), it’s not such a bad thing to have an anxious mind. The anxious mind can be an asset: yes, it means we’re always “on” … which can be a nuisance to those we are closest to … but it also means we’re usually going to achieve what we set out to do. We’re not likely to stray too far off course.

Because we’re hard-wired like that. Continue reading “dear time: please stand still …”

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Choose Happy

This came through my Facebook news feed and my wheels got turning.

Contrary to what fairy tales and media influences might tell you, happiness doesn’t just “happen.” It’s a choice. A conscious decision.

A choice we make each day when we wake up; a choice we make when we decide how to react to certain information/situations; a choice we make before we go to sleep each night. Much of what I learned during my year of cognitive behavioral therapy was related to this: how we can control not only our actions, but our reactions to situations/people/circumstances.

And though it isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s wholly appropriate to drown our sorrows in a bottle of Malibu rum (not that I’ve ever done THAT … haha — flashbacks to my earth-shattering at the time freshman year break-up …) or several pints of Ben and Jerry’s (did anyone else see this supremely awkward Daily Show interview with Robert Pattinson the other night?!) …  The thing is, we’re entitled to grieve, mourn, be angry … but when all is said and done, we can still choose the “happy route.”

Continue reading “Choose Happy”

From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

My blog has gone through many changes in the nearly three years I’ve been writing (click here for my first post!). While I’ve undergone many physical and emotional changes in that time, the title of this post expresses the surface changes. (And once I can figure out how to edit my darn blog’s custom header I will!)

What does it mean to be “recovered”? I used to question this all the time, and still do.

Let’s look at the facts:

-I’m not chewing/spitting.

-I’m not over-exercising.

-I’m not waking and, half-asleep, eating in the middle of the night.

Those were the methods of my madness, er, disorderedness.

They are in my past. Continue reading “From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered””

BLT Queen

No, not, not of the bacon-lettuce-tomato variety, but rather the “Bite-Licks-Taste” variety.

If I didn’t partake in BLTs throughout the day — all of which are, indeed, journaled but, indeed, VERY unnecessary … — I’d probably be well below my pre-pregnancy weight and closer to my comfortable weight/size!!

I am, 100 percent, a self-saboteur. Continue reading “BLT Queen”

On Coping Mechanisms

Tonight I watched the movie Precious.

Though I’d read the book it’s based on (Push), I wasn’t quite sure what to expect in the cinematic version.

The book had been very graphic and complex and difficult to get through at times.

Though I read it in one night back in January, I cried and wanted to throw things when reading it — the injustices are just sickening.

I was not disappointed by the film, but, like the book, it certainly wasn’t easy to get through. I mean … how much can one woman be put through?! Continue reading “On Coping Mechanisms”

Examining “Blogotherapy” & Support

support_grpA lot of recovery bloggers blog anonymously because they fear other people finding out the truth about them — and their concerns are certainly valid.

I actually was quasi-anonymous in the beginning, too. After all, the image we portray in our professional and personal lives can make or break us …

But oftentimes, especially when we’re hiding a deep, dark secret (like an ED or DE issues …) that image is not identical to what we actually see when we peel back the layers of who we truly are.

In many ways, I was living a double-life … the elusive chewing-spitting behaviors coupled with over-exercising, body-loathing, and midnight/mindless eating … and then presenting myself at work or around friends as this girl who has her stuff together … when inside, I was crumbling.

Naturally, I used to worry in the beginning about how I might be judged by others who might by chance find my blog: peers, colleagues, friends, superiors, etc. What will they think of me?! Will they lose respect for me?! Will they look at me differently?

But once I realized that owning my issue made it real and tangible to overcome (and that it’s ok to not be “perfect”) … suddenly the fear associated with “getting found out” withered away.

Continue reading “Examining “Blogotherapy” & Support”