dear time: please stand still …

An anxious person by nature, I’m always looking ahead: to the next phone meeting, the next project, the next phone call, the next workout, the next meal, the next event, the next trip, the next milestone … you name it and I’m already ten steps ahead.

It’s just the way my anxious brain works and, as I learned in my first therapy session six years ago (and contrary to popular belief), it’s not such a bad thing to have an anxious mind. The anxious mind can be an asset: yes, it means we’re always “on” … which can be a nuisance to those we are closest to … but it also means we’re usually going to achieve what we set out to do. We’re not likely to stray too far off course.

Because we’re hard-wired like that. Continue reading “dear time: please stand still …”

Choose Happy

This came through my Facebook news feed and my wheels got turning.

Contrary to what fairy tales and media influences might tell you, happiness doesn’t just “happen.” It’s a choice. A conscious decision.

A choice we make each day when we wake up; a choice we make when we decide how to react to certain information/situations; a choice we make before we go to sleep each night. Much of what I learned during my year of cognitive behavioral therapy was related to this: how we can control not only our actions, but our reactions to situations/people/circumstances.

And though it isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s wholly appropriate to drown our sorrows in a bottle of Malibu rum (not that I’ve ever done THAT … haha — flashbacks to my earth-shattering at the time freshman year break-up …) or several pints of Ben and Jerry’s (did anyone else see this supremely awkward Daily Show interview with Robert Pattinson the other night?!) …  The thing is, we’re entitled to grieve, mourn, be angry … but when all is said and done, we can still choose the “happy route.”

Continue reading “Choose Happy”

From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

My blog has gone through many changes in the nearly three years I’ve been writing (click here for my first post!). While I’ve undergone many physical and emotional changes in that time, the title of this post expresses the surface changes. (And once I can figure out how to edit my darn blog’s custom header I will!)

What does it mean to be “recovered”? I used to question this all the time, and still do.

Let’s look at the facts:

-I’m not chewing/spitting.

-I’m not over-exercising.

-I’m not waking and, half-asleep, eating in the middle of the night.

Those were the methods of my madness, er, disorderedness.

They are in my past. Continue reading “From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered””

BLT Queen

No, not, not of the bacon-lettuce-tomato variety, but rather the “Bite-Licks-Taste” variety.

If I didn’t partake in BLTs throughout the day — all of which are, indeed, journaled but, indeed, VERY unnecessary … — I’d probably be well below my pre-pregnancy weight and closer to my comfortable weight/size!!

I am, 100 percent, a self-saboteur. Continue reading “BLT Queen”

On Coping Mechanisms

Tonight I watched the movie Precious.

Though I’d read the book it’s based on (Push), I wasn’t quite sure what to expect in the cinematic version.

The book had been very graphic and complex and difficult to get through at times.

Though I read it in one night back in January, I cried and wanted to throw things when reading it — the injustices are just sickening.

I was not disappointed by the film, but, like the book, it certainly wasn’t easy to get through. I mean … how much can one woman be put through?! Continue reading “On Coping Mechanisms”

Examining “Blogotherapy” & Support

support_grpA lot of recovery bloggers blog anonymously because they fear other people finding out the truth about them — and their concerns are certainly valid.

I actually was quasi-anonymous in the beginning, too. After all, the image we portray in our professional and personal lives can make or break us …

But oftentimes, especially when we’re hiding a deep, dark secret (like an ED or DE issues …) that image is not identical to what we actually see when we peel back the layers of who we truly are.

In many ways, I was living a double-life … the elusive chewing-spitting behaviors coupled with over-exercising, body-loathing, and midnight/mindless eating … and then presenting myself at work or around friends as this girl who has her stuff together … when inside, I was crumbling.

Naturally, I used to worry in the beginning about how I might be judged by others who might by chance find my blog: peers, colleagues, friends, superiors, etc. What will they think of me?! Will they lose respect for me?! Will they look at me differently?

But once I realized that owning my issue made it real and tangible to overcome (and that it’s ok to not be “perfect”) … suddenly the fear associated with “getting found out” withered away.

Continue reading “Examining “Blogotherapy” & Support”

Finding Forgiveness Within

forgivenessWhenever I hear the word “forgiveness” now, the first thing that comes to mind is that awesome Ryan Reynolds 😉 movie, Just Friends.

In it, Ana Faris’s character tries to seduce Ryan’s character with “Forgiveness” — a terrible song with terrible lyrics that is TERRIBLE earworm!

Anyway, these past few days I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the notion of forgiveness, which makes sense, because it’s the Jewish High Holidays — and right now is the time to be asking forgiveness to those I may have hurt in the past year.

For the most part, I feel like I’ve been a good person this year. If nothing else, therapy helped me understand myself a lot better.

I really feel, on the whole, good about how I have behaved this year towards those I love. Continue reading “Finding Forgiveness Within”

Blogotherapy & Colliding Worlds

bloggingFor the first several months of blogging, for understandable reasons, I kept a pretty low profile.

I didn’t tweet (I was loathe to jump on the Twitter bandwagon), and I didn’t have any links up on my Facebook page to my blogs.

I guess you could say I didn’t want to be defined by my “problem” … so I figured I just wouldn’t let anyone know about it, unless they knew about it directly from me.

But then a funny thing happened.

Instead of finding myself isolated from coming “out,” about my food/body issues, once I opened up and put myself out there — really out there (i.e., posting links to new posts on my Facebook page, putting my full identity on my blog profile, adding the URL to my Facebook profile, joining WeAretheRealDeal.com) — I found I’ve connected with lots of real-life friends and actually have an even stronger support network than I thought.

And that feels amazing.

Continue reading “Blogotherapy & Colliding Worlds”

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

gray_wolfEven when I was at my goal weight in 2004/2005, I still wasn’t satisfied.

When people told me I looked great, I’d shrug it off , embarassed, and say, “Aw, thanks … but I’m not there yet!” I was afraid of admitting this was “it.” (What if there was more to lose?!)

Some days I’d say I felt “fat” when rationally it was just not so; I just “felt” that way. 

Having never been thin and having nothing to compare my body to was a sucky situation to be in. I didn’t know where I was “comfortable” — except that it “had” to be X lbs.

X lbs., that sounded like a nice, good number. In my head.

I suffered from total body dysmorphia, but didn’t know it at the time. And, no surprise, I never got down to X.

That should have been clue #1 that I was aiming for the unattainable/unmaintainable for myself. Sure, it seemed reasonable, but it just wasn’t. Not for me, not for my build. Not without starving myself. (And if you know me, you know there was no way I was going to do that. I might have been restrictive/choosy for a while there, but I could never deprive myself of food. I love it too much).

Then when I saw the scale go up a little, I’d freak out and over-react and go into “I’m fat mode” again in my head … which, naturally, did nothing but put my anxiety into overdrive. Continue reading “The Girl Who Cried Wolf”