I got the most sincere and beautifule-mail from a reader yesterday; e-mails like this reaffirm that I’m doing the right thing blogging and sharing my journey of discovery and recovery with the world, for better or for worse.
Without going into details of what she said, I wanted to share some thoughts I came away with after reading her message.
She pointed out that not journaling/IE/learning to trust myself, even for just a few days as an experiment — is kind of my last frontier of my disordered eating journey.
As she noted, I stopped chewing and spitting, my midnight incidents are few and far between, I’m not over-exercising as much, I know all about nutrition and portion size and portion control …
The only thing left, really, is to trust myself. The scariest notion of all, but the most necessary.
Wouldn’t you know it, that after my post about midnight waking/eating … I’ve now woken the past two nights, but somehow not been in so much of a stupor that I was actually able to go back to bed after using the bathroom.
Murphy’s Law, I tell you!!
What was different? I don’t really know. I’ve said before, it’s something that seems to “happen to me” versus me doing, since it’s like sleepwalking. But now I’ve had two ok nights … since that post!
Last night I ordered unsweetened iced tea (and agua) at dinner out vs. Diet Coke — less caffeine. That could play a role; I never thought caffeine affected me, but maybe it — or the fake sugar in Diet Coke — does. Hmmm ….! I’ve tried to quit it in the past but now my consumption is just “less.”
Just wanted to share that little update. Have a great day!
After months and months of not waking and eating in the middle of the night, save for the occasional blip on the radar (usually right before my period), the past three weeks I’ve been doing it again fairly regularly, I’m sad to say.
I always wake to use the bathroom … and sometimes I just go back to bed. But other times, I find myself making a beeline for the kitchen in a stupor, a fog.
Often in the past I could tie it to stress, or emotions.
But the irony is, I’m not stressed or feeling particularly emotional — in fact, I feel the calmest I’ve been in ages! Life is good; I feel like I’m in a good place in all aspects of my life: love, family, friends, work, self-image, fitness, health … even financially.
I’m eating enough during the day, I’m eating cleanly (and not restrictively) … I’ve been careful about not over-exercising. So what gives?!
There’s really no excuse, but I’ve noticed once I have one or two nights of doing it, it becomes a habitual thing. And I want so desperately to nip it, once and for all. Yet it seems to keep rearing its ugly head. Continue reading “It’s Happening Again …”→
When it’s that time of the month, I crave chocolate like most women. But I also tend be hungrier in general, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.
I think this explains why I tend to wake up during the middle of the night during my period; I’m genuinely hungry due to wacky horomonal changes. It’s not mindless, it’s not emotional. It’s hunger.
(I’ve heard before that during mestruation a woman burns an extra several hundred calories a day; not sure how true that is, but if so, it explains a lot!)
The rest of the month, I’ve no real excuse for my midnight wake-ups. My loyal readers know I’ve pondered the “why” for months and not come up with any specific answer. But I can assure you that when I wake during my period, it’s usually for a good reason.
And when I woke the other night and found myself in the kitchen, I went for 2 T of PB.
I’ve always had my midnight incidents, but I’ve never called them a real “binge” because I had never been truly out of control. I always weighed and measured, and never went beyond 5 pts.
But last night at 2 a.m., after going to bed happy and tired at 12:30 when my husband got home from class and we’d chatted, I woke suddenly at 2:22 a.m. and the monster hit. No clue why. I’d had a good day, a happy day (despite hearing that a family member — a second cousin — had passed away).
I am mortified to share this damage with you, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t share my stumbles as well as my successes.
After a 23 pt day with moderate exercise (a walk and then 2 activity points (APs) of cardio at the gym) I ate pretty much anything I hadn’t had that day and had thought about — all at once!
I didn’t post on Friday because I wanted to enjoy my birthday with no distractions.
While blogging is fun for me, some nights/days it can be like a job…and if I truly wanted to savor the day/weekend, I needed to separate myself for a little bit from the laptop. And thinking about food/exercise.
Ironically, Thursday night (my birthday) I had my first qualifiable “binge” — it was ridiculous. I ate like 10 points at 2 a.m. It was ugly. And I felt awful on Friday.
The thing was, I had had such a great day (lots of calls, e-mails, gorgeous flowers from my husband and a wonderful gift), and had been planning on saving my points for my big birthday dinner out on Friday night with friends …
In retrospect, I think maybe I should have treated myself to something on my actual birthday, because it backfired royally. Instead of savoring something with my husband and friends, I ended up eating alone, mindlessly, at 2 a.m. It was as though I’d been “deprived.”