I’m rarely late. Anyone that knows me knows that, even with a baby in tow, I’m rarely late. [When I am, it’s usually because my lovely HUSBAND is running late … not me].
I’m pretty good on my commitments. If I tell a client he or she will have something by end of day, I might have to crack some knuckles … but, generally speaking, it will get done. Likewise, if I make plans with a friend, the only reason they’d be broken is if I’m sick.
But lately, as you’ve probably gathered from my blog posts, I’m sucking on my commitments to myself in terms of eating well, planning out my meals, and organizing my fitness schedule.
From the title, you probably think I’m referencing weight scales … and you wouldn’t be entirely wrong.
(I haven’t weighed myself since pre-Korea and I can tell you, I’m not feeling great and know it’ll be ugly when I do step on next week at the doctor’s).
But really, I’m talking about equilibriums with respect to health, and how I went from one end of the spectrum — restriction, over-exercising, obsession, avoidance of certain foods — to a much freer end of the spectrum where I am less restrictive, still exercising but not lifting, eating too much … and eating the wrong foods.
Basically, this Libra needs an exercise in BALANCE.
Though I sought a healthy lifestyle, the scales that once tipped in the direction of disordered eating (read as: UNHEALTHY) have now tipped the other way (also read as: UNHEALTHY) — where I’m eating things that just don’t make me feel good.
No one’s force feeding me and I’ve no one to blame but myself.
I’ve often said “awareness is half the battle” when it came to my disordered eating recovery process.
But the past two weeks — in spite of being painfully aware that I’ve been over-eating — or this past weekend, when I just gave in to emotional eating, period (borderlining on binges) — all the awareness in the world — even recognizing the “why” — hasn’t helped me stop.
I’m not channeling the CBT techniques I learned in therapy, like trying to occupy myself with other thoughts or doing something else when the impulse to eat strikes — recognizing food won’t fill a void but rather is just anesthetizing me to whatever I’m feeling, as Kara DioGuardi noted in this month’s Women’s Health cover story.
Today, as I sat at work eating mini Reese’s peanut butter cups on autopilot (taking a little nibble and tossing them, one by one) and docking the Points one by one, feeling like a temporary failure (knowing HELLO, I shouldn’t have bought them in the first place, let alone brought them in to the office, as they’re a trigger food …) I couldn’t help but wonder …
Doesn’t everyone want to be the best they can be?
Or is it just a few of us in this world that set really high expectations for ourselves and feel disappointed in ourselves when we “screw up?”
I don’t think it’s a crazy question to ask — with respect to recovery or life more generally. I think it’s human nature to want to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Continue reading “Be All That You Can Be.”→
As Heather notes in her post, “For some time we’ve debatedfood destruction – ruining your food with something like salt or hot sauce so that it is inedible. Jillian Michaels pours candle wax on her food(thanks for the linkJulie) when she is full, and instructs Biggest Loser players to destroy desserts with salt.”
While I think Jillian’s solution is on the extreme side, it saddens me to admit it’s not something I couldn’t have imagined myself doing back in the day of peak disorderedness.
<–That was the view from my hotel room in Salt Lake City. Gorgeous, isn’t it?!
It’s been one looooong week between traveling for work and then coming back and feeling slammed, so I thought since I just don’t have it in me to do a real post, that I’d leave you with these few tid-bits and a couple pics.
1) I am still over-eating and buying crap I don’t need. I”m hoping to have a good week next week.
2) In Salt Lake City, I had one of THE best meals of my life … and ate and drank and enjoyed, guilt-free. However, my stomach cannot handle rich foods and I didn’t feel so good afterwards.You live and learn; it was still worth every single bite.Continue reading “Just “Eh””→