Ice skating, December 2006As someone who struggled with disordered eating issues, I wanted to create a blog devoted to overcoming this sickness and raising awareness of an often taboo subject. So in June 2008, I set out to do just that.

To understand how things got so out of hand for me, it’s important to know the background of my downward spiral into the world of disordered eating. I hope my candid story–now unmasked–will help jumpstart a dialogue for women around the world.

My story told in three parts.

Fit but Fat, Getting to Goal, and Unexpected Agony.

Though I sometimes cringe reading what I wrote in that first year of blogging (and my mind set), I am not ashamed … it was my life, my reality … and, now, my history. I am happy to say that I have been recovered since March 2009 and could not have gotten there without the support of the blogging community (and of course my family and friends!)

My blog is taking on a new direction now, but everyone has a story and this one needed to be told … for better or for worse … so I could, indeed, get past it.

There IS hope!

Let there be light.


33 thoughts on “Blog

  1. Hi Melissa, I really just wanted to congratulate you on your blog. I came across it the other day by ways of a mean and have plodded through your posts with great pleasure. Not only is it extremely endearing but the honesty with which you write really hits home the issues and complexities of “disordered eating”.

    I feel there is too much emphasis by the media to corner “binge eaters”, “bulimics” and “anorexics” as being shallow, image obsessed and brainless morons! I think you prove to many out there that these issues and problems can affect even the most intelligent and fun loving.

    My personal story seems very a-typical too, I moved to university last September and within weeks of being there I had somehow managed to get trapped in the world of bulimia. It is shocking when I look back on how it all started and how I did not see it coming, but it did. I also thought “I am the last person in the world this would happen to”. But the tell tale signs were there, homesickness, immense change, peer pressure? On the surface nobody could tell, I was still happy with my degree, my amazing friends and family. I knew I was going places.

    However only till recently did I realise that the silly amount of exercise and disrupted eating was in complete control of my life and that I was not. I have not yet come clean with my family, it seems as though they would really look down on me. They’re so very comfortable with whom they are. I did, however, confess to a few friends that I thought would be solid and helpful, a little selfish perhaps. One has been very helpful, but she is working full time and has very little chance to talk to me, but she will when she sees me. The other two however ignore my problem; I think they do not quite understand the intensity.

    But what I am trying to say is, however many websites I have read, however many health notices I have seen, your blog seems to be the only things that has really made sense. It is an inspiration to me to kick this, I want my life back, I want to continue “going places”, I have too much to lose!

    Thank you, thank you, and thank you. A million times over.
    All the best and I look forward to reading more!

    Lizzie White (Birmingham, UK)

  2. Hi Lizzie, and thank you so much!! I hope you can find the support you need; it’s not easy, but it helps to know people have your back. Best wishes to you on your journey and keep reading! Cheers to a healthy recovery process for both of us!

  3. You are truly an inspiration…thank you! And congrats on your sobriety! I just came across your blog while doing a search to get myself some much needed help for my own disordered eating. I got chills as I was reading your posts…this is my exact struggle. I lost 30 pounds on WW years ago and became obsessive. Addicted to exercise, extremely pre-occupied with my body (which I never was before), eating in the middle of the night, chewing & spitting. The night eating and the chewing & spitting have gotten way out of control lately. The money I’m wasting on food to spit out is absurd. I feel helpless. Therapy isn’t working. You’ve really helped me tonight…just knowing that I’m not alone in this journey. I have a wonderful family/husband but they don’t know the extent of this problem. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone about chewing and spitting. I’m also type-A, first born…I really loved that quote you posted about that. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this blog. You are doing a real mitzvah. Look forward to reading more!!!

  4. Thanks so much, Michelle!! I am so glad (well…sort of) that you can relate. I mean, I don’t wish these things on anyone, but it’s always good to know we’re not alone. So odd our two demons (midnight eating, chew-and-spit) are one and the same. I’m 27 days now “sober” but I still do the eating thing in the middle of the night sometimes. I am sorry therapy isn’t working … have you seena behavioral modification therapist? It is helping me a lot — to reframe things.

    Hang in there and best of luck to you on this journey!

  5. Well, well, well. I read the three parts about your journey. A bit convicting I must say. I am not a girl, but I sure to identify with what you went through. As you said, it is a living and breathing journey back to healthy habits and eating. I lost 130 lbs. It totally transformed my mind and body. All the compliments and looks. People even thought I had cancer and I was proud of that to. I am so glad I reached this part of your blog. The most important part to me.

    I am going to post a similar section on my blog, just to get the truth out so that I can see it for myself. I will link this page from there.

    Thanks a lot

  6. Thank you so much, Jason. I read your posts and I loved them — the honesty and transparency is really what readers like to see I’ve learned. The ups and downs. For better or for worse. Congrats on putting it all out there — and for your losses!!

    I’m gone this week but will be back next week!

  7. Hello,
    I’m a Christian who has just started an eating disorder recovery blog. My site aims to bring truth, light and hope to the many of my generation who are suffering from eating disorders/ self harm and depression, and other related symptoms of a broken heart. I’m just getting it off the ground, and would be ever so grateful if you would take a brief moment to check it out/ comment. The site is:
    Have a wonderful day!

  8. What is the definition of disordered eating? How is it different than an eating disorder? For me, I am about 30 pounds below my ideal weight so I’m trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I guess I just don’t like eating. I don’t think it’s worth it to buy food and sometimes I skip meals because I don’t feel like getting up to get food. I get hungry like normal people but I don’t mind eating very little. I’ve never eaten close to 2,000 calories. I’d rather be a little hungry than have to pay for my own food, make myself a meal, or go to the dining hall (as is the case now since I’m in college). Another abnormal thing that I do is scraping silverware off with my teeth to avoid touching the silverware with my lips. When my mom points out somebody really skinny, I smile knowing I’m that skinny. However, I don’t binge, purge, think I’m fat, overexercise etc. Any ideas of what this could be? Suggestions?

  9. Hi Renee, I saw your post and will to email you offline in case you don’t see the response. First and foremost, I want to thank you for writing. It seems like you recognize a problem. Please note, I am not an expert and can’t pretend to me. So I would recommend you seek professional help; if you’re 30 lbs BELOW your weight, I suggest seeing a dietician to get you to a healthy weight. It sounds like you might be restricting, or depressed, or both — and that is disconcerting.

    Though there is no clear-cut definition, disordered eating is anything except: anorexia, builimia, or binge eating disorder. It’s things like severely over-exercising, severely restricting caloric intake, having a challenging relationship with food or only eating certain things, it’s chewing and spitting or being obsessive about food. It’s basically “everything but” if that makes sense. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food.

  10. What a great blog. I am glad I found it and will for sure have to come back! I am only 65 lbs into my journey with 160 still to go…but can hardly wait to be where you are.

    From one Michigan Girl to the next!!


  11. I am so glad that I am not alone. I thought that I reserached this disorder before a few years ago and I did not find anything. Mywhole purpose was to lose weight and so far I have only gained and have been trying to lose the same 10-15lbs. for tha last 4years. i gained to much wt when I beacme pregnant with my daughter who is now 6 and my son who is now 4. I lost most of it with my daughther but, with my son It stayed on. I exercise regularly and train preety hard but,many tines I have not eaten enogth beacuse of my battle to control my claories and lose wt. I am glad to know that this may be the very reason that I caanot lose wt. t will motivate me to stop! I pray that I can this time; now that I have reason. I was not awre of all of the health probs that it causes. It also may be the reason m why my blood glucose was slightly elevated. I am so thankful for finding this before it’s too late. Thank you everyone for sharinjg!

  12. This is my first time i visit here. I found so many entertaining stuff in your blog, especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I

    guess I am not the only one having all the leisure here! Keep up the good work.

  13. You may be doing a emotional hogging.Do not do a emotional hogging instead do a emotional jogging.I guess as the people who drink say “dukh mee bhee piyoa maadiraa sukh mee bhee piyoaa madhiraa”.Same way people can also eat when they are unhappy and eat when they are happy.

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