I’ve only seen the number 1-7-5 four times in my life: the day I joined Weight Watchers in 2004, pregnant with Maya in 2010, pregnant with Ben in 2013, and this morning, January 3, 2017. Not pregnant.

Now, without growing a tiny human, I have somehow managed to get the scale to creep up to a number that — for me — is not OK. You may be wondering, why am I placing so much emphasis on a number? Because that number is my PRE-WW WEIGHT. And that is why it’s “unacceptable” to me; I cannot stay here.

While I know several things: it’s just a number, it doesn’t dictate who I am, it doesn’t make me a bad person, weight doesn’t determine health, etc. — I am not OK with gaining almost 15 pounds in a year. I’m just not. It isn’t healthy, plain and simple.

How did I “achieve” this goal? Well, it’s quite obvious: I stopped regularly working out and stopped eating well. I still journal everything I eat, but I consumed far more than I output. It really is that simple.

And yet … it’s complex, too. Why?

Well, as a former over-exerciser, I didn’t loathe not working out much this past year. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed the freedom of not working out nearly every single day. Isn’t that, in some ways, a victory?

And I didn’t mind indulging, either. It’s not like I sat down with gallons of ice cream; I just cared less about what I was putting into my body, got too lenient. I don’t binge, and I didn’t eat in a disordered fashion … nope, I just overate, plain and simple — and certainly too much chocolate! But in a way, isn’t that a victory for someone who used to shun anything not fat-free, sugar-free, etc.??

Of course, those victories tipped the scales in the wrong direction — and that “freedom” came with a price: a number I never wanted to see again on the scale and tight jeans. I’m not exactly feeling like a winner.

That’s why I know there needs to be balance and I need to be kind to myself — but I also need to be pragmatic; I did this to myself. Have no fear, though — there’s no way I’m resorting to old disordered behaviors on this journey. That isn’t an option — no matter how anxious I am feeling to get the weight off, I know what works and just need to do it, with the belief that slow and steady wins the race.

So what works? Well, in all of 2016, I don’t think I ever went to bed feeling just a teensy bit hungry, I didn’t listen to my body (telling me when to eat), I didn’t nourish myself well with clean choices 85% of the time, and I didn’t always stop when satisfied — all things I know work for weight loss and, later, maintenance.

I also think having a date in mind to reach my first goal (160) really helps, as I am motivated by time. I’d like to be back there by the time we go back to Puerto Rico (where we honeymooned in 2006!) for spring break in April. It is not an unreasonable or unhealthy goal … we’re talking five pounds a month, over three months.

2016, you were the worst in so many ways, but the gain … that’s my own doing. And the only one who can get rid of it is me. So in 2017, I’ll continue focusing on my #30MinutesforMe goal, and using that time towards writing and my health — prep-cooking, grocery shopping, working out. Small steps that yield big results.

I feel like such a cliche, on a mission to lose weight in the new year, like everyone else it seems. But this time, as in years past, it’s not vanity weight –it’s a legitimate (nearly) 15 pounds I put on this past year and that impacts my health — it’s a lot of weight to gain in a year, coming off a 5-7 pound gain in 2015. :(Basically, the trend is frightening and I need to nip it now.

175 was my “HOLY !@$@” number, and I am there. I am sooooo there.

I don’t plan to journal my workouts or intake or anything here — I’ll be using MyFitnessPal and my Fitbit for all that … but to keep myself accountable, I wanted to write this pledge to myself down, as well as my first goal.

At the very least, it’s a start. And we all know the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

Today is that step.

Wish me luck.