Oh Baby!

Note: I’ve been keeping this blog post since I found out I was pregnant. So happy to be able to publish it … finally! I’ve been drafting some posts but couldn’t publish them yet … will share over the next few days! Here’s my “journal” so far. And no, my whole blog won’t be pregnancy-related … but this is big news and, well, I couldn’t keep it in any longer!!

February 4, 2013
On a whim, I took a pregnancy test today. I am only three days late but I just have a feeling I am pregnant. Though the symptoms are the same for me as PMS symptoms, something feels different this month. I tell Luis and he convinces me to get a test just to see. I know it’s early but I need some hard evidence that the breast tenderness, exhaustion, achy back and general “blahs” are for a legitimate reason. The double lines appear right away … thank you, First Response! I do some quick math and come up with October 12 as an approximate due-date. Whoa. Whoa.  To tell Luis, I show him two of Maya’s bath toys … one pink and one blue … with a huge smile on my face. It takes him a second to put two and two together and then he gives me a big hug and kiss. Yes, indeed … we’re having another baby! Tonight, Rocco will not leave my side … he is snuggled up to my belly. I’ve heard animals have a sixth sense … now, I’m sure.

Of course, the same night I should feel ecstatic, I’m plagued with anxiety, thinking about the odds and remembering my pregnancy with Maya and how challenging it was from day one … how I never got to enjoy it. I was blessed with an easy physical pregnancy but the mental side … ugh. I shudder just remembering it. In some ways, I think I blocked that whole chapter out because Maya was born healthy after all … but I always wondered if I would be nervous the next time around.

At bed-time, I sing to Maya the song I sang to her in the womb … and she whispers, “More airplane song.” My heart melts. Does she remember? I can’t help but wonder …

I suck at keeping secrets but it’s sooooo early; this is one of those I’m going to have to keep for a while. Picturing Maya as a big sister, I easily fall asleep with a smile playing on my lips.

February 11, 2013
Today I saw my lady doc for an office visit. Since my obstetrician retired last year, I knew I’d need a new one if/when the time came, and my lady doc doesn’t do OB anymore. I expect an exam, but fortunately we just chat. She uses my LMP (last monthly period) to determine I am 5 weeks 5 days today. She gives me a referral — her own OB/GYN — which makes me happy to know she comes highly regarded.

I ask about my medical records; if they have been transferred when my OB retired. They have been. We discuss my pregnancy with Maya and the complications as she flips through the records. I see a familiar name and address on letterhead — the perinatologist’s office where I had chorionic villi sampling (CVS) done at 11 weeks with Maya. Seeing the doctor’s name makes my heart skip a beat. Though some people find CVS no big deal, it was the most painful and uncomfortable experience of my life … and I think I must have mentally blocked this chapter of my pregnancy out, too.

Back at the office, I sneak into an enclave and call my soon-to-be OB. I get an appointment two weeks from now: February 25. I tell myself it’s going to be OK … think positive … but it’s hard. At bed-time, we sing “the airplane song” again and I feel like all is right in the world. The little sesame seed inside me will be OK. I just have to have faith.

Physical: My boobs–which seem to have grown overnight–are incredibly tender … like before a nursing session. I don’t remember this with Maya … I didn’t know til I was 8 weeks along then, and I bypassed most of these early symptoms.
Mental: I hate keeping secrets but I’m nowhere near ready to spill the beans, not even to my best friends. It’s just too soon.

February 18, 2013
I’m 6.5 weeks now. I’ll be 7 on Friday … pregnancy is the only time in our lives where we want to speed ahead and just want to make it to the next week — one more closer towards “safety” if there ever is such a thing … (I say that because literally all nine months with Maya I was panicked). That said, I do NOT remember heartburn with Maya … but I also didn’t know til I was pretty far along. On top of this sensation of heartburn, I feel queasy at work today. I had breakfast in two parts (clementines, cereal and milk at home; a Greek yogurt and apple at work) and by 10 AM I am feeling empty and queasy again. The only food I have on hand is a jar of peanut butter which — as with Maya — is the world’s least appealing food in the world at the moment. (Oatmeal and PB both got cut from my diet last time because I couldn’t stomach the thought of them). So I forage around the office and come across Nutrigrain bars in the lobby kitchen … it’s my best option. I scarf one down, thinking about lunch with my two pregnant girlfriends who don’t know my secret. It’s hard to keep quiet about this but it’s so early yet … My boobs don’t hurt as much as they have in recent days but I still feel that tingly sensation that makes me feel like I need to pump … but of course there would be nothing there! Tonight I go to bed at 8:30 p.m. feeling queasy; hoping the exhaustion and queasiness are good signs things are happening as they should. Our little babe should be the size of a blueberry at this point. Teensy, teensy. But loved so much already. I ask Maya what she wants, a brother or sister. “Sister,” she says, matter-of-factly. Time will tell.

February 20, 2012
I woke cursing; it had snowed overnight. So I shoveled at 5:30 this morning. Ate Cheerios and milk. Trained at 6 a.m. And then had not one but TWO Cadbury caramel eggs on my way to work. They’d been in my car since the weekend and, well, they “had” to be eaten. Said my stomach. STAT. Pathetic, really. Here I am spending money on a trainer, knowing what I should be doing to feed my body well (esp being pregnant!) … and I’m eating crap. I don’t care all that much, either … which is so unlike me. I used to think pregnant women were crazy saying “the baby wanted me to eat XYZ” but it’s really, “my body wants this now.” And I gotta oblige. I felt this way last time, too … just gave in to my cravings within moderation. I just need to keep the “moderation” part in check because the past three weeks has been a free-for-all.

February 25, 2012
I’m at work now but at 4 today I have my first OB appointment with my new doctor. It’s mostly just an intake session though so I don’t think I’ll be able to see anything on an ultrasound just yet … but of course I am super-curious! All of my symptoms tell me things are happening as they “should” be  …. but I have a long way to go til I can feel things are OK. For as much as I hate keeping such a big secret from family and friends, there’s no other way. It was after my first ultrasound with Maya that I told a good friend my exciting news, only to find our an hour later that “something” was wrong. Lesson learned. That’s the hard part about pregnancy; there really is never a “safe” time — to announce it, to feel calm that things are OK … I want to embrace this time, but it’s so hard not to just be cautiously optimistic.

Well I’m home and the appointment was great. I was nervous but it was just the intake session — no exam or anything. The nurse asked me lots of questions and when she got to my previous pregnancy I turned to mush explaining everything that had transpired. She was totally empathetic and asked to be excused for a moment and then when she came back, told me she’d like to ease me by getting me an ultrasound today. My heart leapt in my throat. Luis was on a plane to Orlando (I’d told him this visit was just an intake session; no ultrasounds!) … and I was scared of what we would/wouldn’t find. Yet I had to know. I went to the next room over and the tech put that all-too-familiar goo on my belly and within seconds, there it was … a little bean! She measured the heartbeat … a strong 161 beats per minute. I cried right then and there and practically hugged the nurse and tech. The tech asked what I hoped it was … and I said, “I don’t even care!! I just wanted to know there was something there … something living, breathing, growing!” We scheduled the nuchal translucency screening for the 12 week mark … that’s the next time I’ll be scheduled to see the little bean. Praying things go well between now and then. I have to have faith!

March 4, 2013
8 weeks, 4 days now. The uncomfortable nausea has left the building (replaced with me having a nasty cold last week) but of course that concerns me instead of leaving me feeling better. Then I remember that with Maya I was only queasy/nauseous weeks 8-10. So maybe I just will have that bout of queasiness and be done with it? Who knows. My mind is going a million miles an hour. We’re in negotiations for a new, bigger home and well, between that and body feeling blah it’s just been a crazy week. I feel a pooch starting though no one else can really see it. And my size 8 jeans are already snug … thinking I’ll need to stick to the 10s going forward. Surprisingly, none of these things freak me out really … my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing.

March 7, 2013
I still have three weeks to wait for the nuchal translucency scan and not knowing what’s going on in my belly is frightening. I pray not to have to endure CVS again, but if my results come back positive, I’ll do what I need to do. Right now, little bean is the size of an olive. Tomorrow, at 9 weeks, a grape. I love those fruit comparisons … somehow it helps keep me in check. Nerves are normal; it’s the risky first trimester.

 March 11, 2013
I definitely have a baby bump emerging though it looks more to me like I’ve eaten too many french fries (which I did, this weekend!). My mom, sister, Maya and I had a girls weekend and it was fabulous. We shopped, ate, gabbed … it was perfect. They both said they can see my lil bump, which helps make it real. As does the waking four times a night to pee, the sore boobs, and the insatiable appetite. I know lots of women loathe being pregnant but I really don’t mind. It’s not a walk in the park and I am still very early (9 weeks, 4 days) but I feel good overall. Let’s hope this trend continues.  I hope to be able to hide this bump – I don’t want to have to talk about it this early – but I also don’t know how much longer I can keep the cat in the bag. Worst case scenario, people think I’ve put on some weight. I guess there are worse things in life…!

March 17, 2013
10 weeks, 3 days now. Every week that passes, I want to do a dance of joy … but I still know I have a ways to go before I can feel confident that things are going OK. I feel like my belly is protruding out now … but we’ll see.

March 25, 2013
My due date, according to my cycle of 31 days, is October 12 … but since the doctor goes by your last monthly period (Jan. 2), the estimated due date is October 9. Which means tomorrow is the 12-week mark (not Friday) … and so I updated my baby apps and am updating here, too. At the 12-week mark, baby is the size of a small lime. Crazy to think! I do feel more and more round as the days pass … which is great, but I hate this awkward chubby-but-no-real-distinguishable-bump phase. Like a friend said to me, “If you want to see it, you can see it. But it’s just not obvious yet.” Fair enough 😉 Wednesday is the nuchal translucency scan (ultrasound). Hoping to be able to enjoy this a little after that is done, provided all goes well.  I think we will wait til the 14-week mark to announce it publicly/post it here. There is never really a “safe” time but that would put me into the second trimester, which is safer than the first. My anxiety levels are surprisingly calm, given the fact we are in the process of buying a new house/putting ours on the market and oh wait, yes, I’m pregnant. Still very tired, but the queasiness is gone. Like with Maya, it only lasted two weeks. Each week that passes makes me wonder … is it a boy or a girl? Sex organs really form this week (BabyCenter has a super-cool video about it) … though from the moment of conception, gender was determined. I have a brother and a sister and I love the idea of Maya having a little sister … but also think it’d be pretty cool for her to have a little brother. It’s weird to me that by this point in my pregnancy with Maya (actually a week prior!), we knew she was a girl — just wish the circumstances had been different for why we knew.

March 27, 2013
WHEW! We got to see the little “lime” today. His/her heartbeat was 158, strong and steady and he/she waved his/her little hands. Four limbs — woot! And measuring right on target (wheres Maya never did; she always measured small for her gestational age, which was a concern). I still think girl, Luis thinks boy and so does my mom, who had a dream about a boy. One of us will be right! The nuchal translucency screening is optional and is coupled with the sequential screening, done now and in a month — which is just blood work that shows likelihood of the baby having XYZ issues … but it’s a diagnostic test so it isn’t conclusive; just offers a risk analysis, basically.  CVS is what is virtually 100% conclusive because that test actually examines DNA. My OB was really positive though and said he thinks I will be just fine; that this pregnancy is already off to a good start and just to stay positive … so I will. A friend shared this quote with me last night: “Positive in, positive out.” I really, really liked that — it can be applied to SO MUCH in life, but especially now. A great mantra for me to adopt.

Physical: I am feeling a little round ligament pain so if I move too quickly/turn in bed the wrong way, it hurts. I forgot about that part. In Zumba I’ve cut out all the twisting movements and I’ve lowered my weights just a tad in Body Pump and during training. In spite of working out 5-6 days a week, I am up 3-5 pounds, depending on the day, which is more than with Maya at this point but 1) I have been Little Miss Piggy lately [oops!] and 2) This is my second pregnancy. It’s to be expected. I look rounder but that it’s that awkward chunky phase no one loves. Clothes are tight but too soon for maternity clothes. Think it’s time for the Bella Band once again!
Mental: Now that this scan is out of the way, I feel much better. Every week I “pass” through brings me one step closer to “safety” though there really isn’t a “safety” window. I was surprised when the OB said, “And at 12 weeks you’re past the concern for miscarriage …” because I know it can happen after 12 weeks–though rare. I just have to have faith Little Lime is doing juuuust fine in there 😉

April 1, 2013
There’s no foolin’ … this baby is cooking and growing. Lime is a plum now, soon to be a peach. I swear I felt a kick last night but rationally I know it’s far too soon at this stage to feel one. Maybe I just want to feel one?! Kind of like how I want to look pregnant so I don’t just feel “fluffy.” It’s so weird when you are at this in-between stage: not looking pregnant; just fluffy. Not feeling kicks, but knowing there’s something in there. Plus, there’s the knowledge that I’m thisclose to the second trimester (Week 14 begins second). I am still very tired but otherwise, no complaints. Hoping for a good week.

April 9, 2013
14 weeks tomorrow: second trimester — woot! Baby is the size of a lemon as of tomorrow. I found out one of my favorite bloggers is due the same exact day as me — congrats, Emily! 🙂 Apparently it’s not too soon to feel the “flutterflies” … not actual kicks, but genuine baby movement. This was pleasantly surprising, as I thought maybe I was nutso! I did buy a pair of maternity jeans this past weekend … anything too tight and compressive just doesn’t feel good around my expanding waist-line and I want to feel comfortable, especially at work where I am sitting for much of the day. We leave for vacation on Sunday and the little shirt I got for Maya to announce her promotion to Big Sister came in the mail the other day. Can’t wait to see her wearing it (provided she cooperates … ). I definitely have more belly curvature going on — especially noticeable at the gym when I’m wearing long tanks and leggings. This morning in Body Pump, I really felt like you could tell it is a bump in the mirror (at least sideways; from the front I look normal).

April 21, 2013
15.5 weeks now … and I think it’s time to finally announce! Not just because I want to, but because I’m definitely showing. 🙂 Baby should be the size of an avocado by now. Our next prenatal appointment is Wednesday. Please keep us all in your thoughts!

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