Willpower, Wantpower … Call it whatever; I don’t have any!

I plain out admitted to a friend last week that I don’t have the willpower OR the “wantpower” to actually lose weight. I later shared the sentiment with my Weight Watchers chat friends … and hearing myself say it was kind of life-affirming — cheesy as it sounds.

It’s not that I don’t think I’d look better without a couple pounds on me; surely I would! And it’s not that I wouldn’t feel better weighing a little less; again, surely I would!

But I don’t have the where-with-all/desire to diet (other than loosely following WW, going over my Points each week — oops) … to cut out things like sugar and bread and whatnot. I know it would work if I made the effort — but I’m just not there. And I don’t know that I’ll ever go back there.

The irony of this realization is I’m coming off a couple weeks of eating whatever/whenever … sugar, alcohol, you name it. You’d think I’d be all about a detox or something. But that’s what’s funny now. A “detox” –though I teased my friend I might need one! — is actually the furthest thing from my mind.

Why? Well, because I don’t feel the guilt that would have driven to me to 1) restrict 2) overexercise or 3) obsess in my head and aloud to Luis/friends/my mom. But this time, I feel nothing. OK, obviously that’s not entirely true–I feel “something” or I wouldn’t be taking the time to blog about this topic. But that “something” is a realization … one that isn’t laced with guilt or shame. Just a realization about how I’m approaching food/life differently.

I enjoyed the hell out of the past few weeks: meals out, a wine tour with Luis and our friends, desserts galore, an endless supply of chocolate … it’s been great fun! And you know what? My same size jeans fit; my workouts haven’t suffered. I’m still me — a happier, fuller me — but me, nonetheless.

Does this mean I’m giving myself permission to go on a food bender now and just throw all caution to the wind? No, not at all. But there is something calming and freeing about just being able to “be” … it’s actually empowering in a way!

For so long I let myself be controlled by food and choices. Now, it’s the other way around. And it feels pretty awesome.


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