Katie Couric — mom to two girls — recently confessed she had been bulimic during and after college.
While it certainly isn’t ground-breaking news that a strong, smart, beautiful and powerful woman could have battled an eating disorder in her past life, upon reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder: did she ever talk to her daughters about her past issues, or did she keep it a secret from them, too? And either way, how did she encourage them to have a healthy relationship with food? Was it hard to lead by example given her history?
Granted, I’m not BFF with Katie Couric and I’ll never have the opportunity to ask her such questions, but it does bring up a question I’ve been asked quite a bit, especially in light of some of the press I’ve done in my role as an advocate: do I plan tell Maya about my disordered eating history?
I’ve long been a believer in transparency … hell, my entire blog is a window into my thinking. Back in 2008, it was a scary, disordered mind. Then a recovering mind. Then a recovered one. Then a pregnant one. Then a new mom-with-baby-weight-to-lose one. You’ve seen it all.
So since I do believe in transparency, I’d prefer to have a conversation with her — when she is older, of course — rather than find out she came across my name on a Google search one day and was surprised to hear about her mom’s past life.
I know I could keep mum about that life. She has never seen me get on the scale, and aside from this one “oops” moment where she saw me body-checking myself, I don’t think she’s ever seen me or heard me make a negative comment about my body. (If I have thoughts, I keep them to myself).
And I really do feel like I lead by example now. I work out — but not obsessively anymore. I journal, but I’m free from the chains rigidity that made me unpleasant to be around. And I eat relatively healthy … but I also enjoy previously “forbidden” foods.
[Side note: this weekend I enjoyed a wine tour with friends where we ate and drank all day. I didn’t think twice about it; just enjoyed the moment. And just today at lunch, I ate a grilled ham, swiss and apple sandwich for lunch on amazing crusty Italian bread from a new cafe in town that surely was smothered in butter … and guess what? I’m totally OK with it! The “old” Melissa would have 1) not ordered it 2) asked for a million modifications and 3) discussed what she was eating). Instead, I just savored it. Every. Last. Bite. 🙂 I don’t have Zumba and I’m not going to “burn it off.” And that’s OK.]
There’s something insanely freeing about this shift I’ve experienced the past three years. Sure, I haven’t lost any weight … but I’m much happier. Fuller. No, I won’t ever be thin or skinny again … and I recognize that. But I don’t want to live that way ever again … not for me, and certainly not the example I want to set for my daughter!
So the question becomes “when”? When does a parent open this can of worms? In middle school? Before that? Do they at all? Or do they wait til their kids ask questions about certain topics? (like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.). I really don’t know.
I certainly don’t want to put ideas into her lil head, but lord knows she’ll be subjected to things I can’t protect her from at school, in the media, from her friends. Part of me thinks sharing my story — when she’s old enough to understand it — could be a good thing; a teachable moment. I want to be able to be frank with her and tell her that her mommy used to have issues but doesn’t anymore … and to let her know she can talk to me at any time.
But the other part of me doesn’t want to create an issue where one doesn’t exist, and that’s a legitimate concern, too! I could end up with a really strong girl who doesn’t succumb to peer pressure and doesn’t lose sleep over the size of her jeans (girls like this — though few and far between — aren’t unicorns; they do exist!).
It’s a tough nut to crack and I realize I don’t need to know now, right.this.minute. when she’s only 21 months old. But I’ve read about 4 and 5-year-olds engaging in fat talk and body snarking … it’s starting younger and younger and I guess I’d like to be as prepared as I can be before the time comes when either I bring it up to her, or she comes to me with questions.
How about you? How do parents talk to their kids about this stuff? (could also include drinking, drugs, sex, etc). Proactively before there is a problem? Or after the fact? When is it “too late”?
Let There Be Light 
Oh no. I hadn’t heard about Katie. (you must think I live under a rock with my lack of insight into what’s going on in the world ;))
Anyway … I don’t have a ‘right’ answer here but I’ve let things play out with Connor. I’ve been very careful about what I say in front of him, but whenever I hear him talk about people being ‘fat’ I make sure he understands what that means and how hurtful it can be to someone being a recipient of that label. And, I have also tried to instill the idea that God made each of us exactly how He wanted us to be and that no two of us are the same.
I hate that kids are picking up on this so young but it’s become one of those generic labels that gets applied to an individual … ‘oh you know, that short, fat girl with brown hair.’ It’s just messed up.
I do want him to understand the door is always open and that we can always talk about, well, whatever. I hope to instill a level of trust in him that outweighs his fear of whatever the consequence of an action might be (if we were to get into the drinking, drugs, sex (God help me) realm. I’d hate for him to ask someone else the question for fear that I wouldn’t be willing to talk with him about it.
Suffice it to say, I don’t know the right time to have the conversation but I am constantly working on being a good listener for him and helping him to understand I’m his biggest fan, regardless of whatever difficult things come up in our relationship.
I think that might be the best way to go, letting things play themselves out and then addressing it vs. being proactive … but I wonder if I’d feel differently if Maya was a boy? Maybe my desire to bring it up is simply because she IS a girl? Like, would I bother sharing this with a son? I don’t know. Boys can have ED/DE issues, too. So tough to know what’s right! I guess like all things parenthood related, there’s no right way or wrong way … only YOUR way (as a parent). That’s great you correct him and assure he understands how hurtful a descriptor like that can be. I still can remember a boy, Charlie Ericson, on the bus in first grade being called “SMELLY” and it broke my heart because he came from a poor family and hygiene maybe wasn’t a top priority. I’ll never forget the looks of shame on his face. Kids are SO mean. They say it without thinking. “Fat” “Smelly” “Stupid” you name it. 😦 I like what you say about the end though -that you’re his biggest fan, regardless of what comes up. Parenthood isn’t easy, that’s for sure!