Watchful Eyes

I posted a while ago about realizing I need to be careful about things we say and do now because Maya is watching our every move these days.

Yesterday I was given yet another reason to be on my best behavior around her.

Since becoming pregnant and giving birth, I’ve lost the baby weight plus a handful of pounds — but my body has been changed. I have practically no waist, and my stomach is far from flat. These were two things that were always a given with me; even when I was at my heaviest, I had a [relatively] small waist and a [relatively] flat tummy. I don’t know if I will ever get them back and I debate if I even care some days. But other days — usually in the week leading up to my monthly guest, I tend to feel bloated and miserable and all of a sudden … I care.

I had just finished getting ready for the day. Turning my side to the bathroom mirror, I pulled my shirt up to see my belly and found myself rubbing the curves of my stomach with obvious disdain — a.k.a., “body checking.”

I wasn’t proud of the moment, as I’ve been really good lately about body image/acceptance lately – and have even been better about the emotional eating I was struggling with last week.

A second later was practically cursing myself for it because guess which little darling had wandered her way in without me knowing? There she was, at my feet, pulling up her shirt and rubbing her deliciously-rounded Buddha belly. 😦 Mimicking Mama.

The difference was, she was smiling up at me.

Tears pricked my eyes. This is not how I want her to see me, and she just had pure innocence in her eyes. She didn’t know what she was doing … and it broke my heart.

I swooped her up and gave her lots of kisses — including on her belly. She’s too young right now for me to explain what Mama was doing and why Mama was sad she saw me doing it, but it was exactly the not-so-subtle reminder I needed to be on extra-good behavior, especially in front of her.

How about you? Have your kids ever caught you doing something you wish they hadn’t seen?


6 thoughts on “Watchful Eyes

  1. This broke my heart to read. What a tough moment, but many kudos to you for seeing it as a learning and growing opportunity. And I would say to look at Maya’s reaction as her feeling proud of her belly. She was admiring herself, definitely. Toddlers are very body positive 🙂

    1. That’s a great way to reframe the situation, Candice! I LOVE that she still has so many rolls, in spite of being so petite. And I love how she wants to show off her belly to everyone she sees–it’s adorable! I could stand to learn quite a bit from her — save for this morning’s epic tantrum!

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