Self-Saboteur, At Your Service

No matter our lot in life, I do believe we all have the power to make choices.

Some choices [i.e., college; organic living] might be dependent upon our socioeconomic status. Other choices might be based on willpower and/or education [i.e., weight loss; financial budgeting]. And of course there are choices we make because of our faith, our values, etc.

Bottom line: though I believe fate shapes the initial course of our lives, I very much believe in free will. It’s how I recovered; I believed in myself and made the decision to stop the ugly behaviors … and did.

But I’m far from perfect (and, in fact, no longer strive for such an unattainable goal).

As someone who knows all about making healthy choices and feels blessed to have the financial power to purchase said healthy choices … I have a confession to make. No, no, I’ve not returned to any ugly behaviors … but I’ve been making THE crappiest food choices the past few weeks.

And the worst part? I have no one else to blame but myself.

It’s not emotional eating; I’ve never been happier.

And I’m journaling everything I eat … going over by about 20-25 Points a week [Note: this is above and beyond the 49 extra Points everyone on WW gets …]

I’m just in this sad stage of not caring … and it’s not good. Truthfully, I’ve never felt like this before; so blasé about things. And I need to snap out of it, STAT — before things go from bad to worse.

I was 0.6 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight three weeks ago and the past three weeks have just been a food-for-all … and with TOM on its way any moment now, I’m bloated and miserable and craving sweets and carbs like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m not even so worried about the scale as I am the fact that I’m a nursing/pumping mom … and I’ve had supply issues the past few weeks. Some of it is attributed to not drinking enough water, for sure. I used to be such a guzzler … now …not so much. On a friend’s recommendation I bought Mother’s Milk Tea (which “promotes healthy lactation”) so that will help, but nutrition plays a huge role in lactation.

And what’s particularly disconcerting is the choices I’m making aren’t fueling my body — or Maya — well.

For example, my idea of a breakfast as of late. If I stopped at the daily skim chai latte and banana I’d be fine (it’d be better with oatmeal, yogurt, eggs, etc, but that combo isn’t the worst thing ever) … but most days I find myself buying a decadent Incredible Bar from a local coffee place and nibbling on it before tossing the rest. One, it’s a waste of money and two, it’s a huge waste of Points I could be using on something that will fuel me well.

And though one indulgence didn’t used to set me into a downward spiral, now, once I make one unhealthy choice, I feel like the rest of the day goes to hell.

I share this to say, it’s been an ugly few weeks.

Tonight I made a commitment to myself … I don’t want to be a self-saboteur any longer. Ultimately, it’s my choice to sabotage myself or not to sabotage myself. No one else buys the candy or Incredible Bars and puts them in my mouth; I do. And I’ve been doing it lately because I can. And that’s not a good enough reason.

I know what works when it comes to healthy eating. Meal planning and prep-cooking have always been my methods of choice and I need to look back to them so I can forge ahead. It’s not just about me anymore; it’s about Maya.

The milk I make for her needs to be good stuff … and right now, I can’t say that it is.

I’m making the choice to do all I can to reverse that. Wish me luck …!

How about you? How do you snap out of a funk like this?

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7 thoughts on “Self-Saboteur, At Your Service

  1. I have just come across your blog and can’t stop reading. My heart goes out to you! I am a WW too! I too get into these “funks”. I think they come because we are not at our “rock bottom” anymore. We look good and feel good-so we are not driven to work as hard anymore. One thing I do is remind myself that I am not only leading a healthy lifestyle for me, but I am a role model for my daughter. For some reason it is easier to stay motivated for her than for myself. I look forward to following your journey. You are truly an inspiration! Thank you!

    1. Hi Jill and thanks for reading! I’ve been on WW since 2004, and I just am feeling a rut. Not WW-specific but rather weight loss in general. I have about 10-12 lbs to get back to my comfy weight/size … and zero motivation though posting this REALLY helped and I didn’t buy my chai latte OR Incredible Bar the past two days 🙂 LOVE what you said about being a role model for our daughters. If nothing else, THAT is inspiring! Thanks for commenting 🙂 I love new readers!

  2. I can’t begin to tell you how much you are writing about my life right now, minus the lactation and pumping. 🙂 I was doing so well and on 3/11 I was down almost 25 pounds but today I have gained almost six pounds since then and I just don’t care to make the right choices. I know they are wrong but I just do it anyway. Like I am rebelling. I had my get your head in the game moment yesterday afternoon and hopefully this will be the change that i need. Hopefully, I want it bad enough now. I set four daily goals and will make a calendar and get some stickers to put on the calendar when I reach those goals. That has never really been a motivator for me but maybe it is today!

    1. KENDRA! So good to hear from you!!! Good for you, being down and even though you’ve gained a little back you know what to do to make it OK! Hope the stickers work!! XOXO

  3. Hey! I had been in a rut as well and have been following The 17 Day Diet. I am a WW at heart and plan to return, but I just needed something to “re-energize” me. I have really enjoyed this plan and believe it is going to help me with my last 7 pounds! Let me know if you would like more info……….

  4. Hi Lissa,

    Sorry I’ve been having a hard time keeping up! I just read over this post and although I don’t know everything going on (admittedly), I do think it’s worth really thinking about whether this is emotional in some way. Why else would you be doing something that conciously you really don’t want to do? I can only speak for myself but when I am just eating terribly it is usually because of some emotion I am trying hard to ignore that I am honestly not conciously ignoring. For instance: loneliness is a big one, and so is just feeling depleted – like not getting enough time to decompress is huge for me in terms of my eating. I have been “doing” intuitive eating for a while but that requires looking after myself emotionally or I won’t have a chance at eating things that are good for me. I just thought it might be worth sitting down and thinking about how you feel. I’m sure with everything gonig on in your life, anyone would feel like they need a little quiet time?

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