(This post WAS written on April 18, but I am just getting around to posting it now …  )

Maya is FOUR months old today.

Sifting through pics and videos on my computer today I came across the two videos of right after her birth that moved me to tears.

In the first, I’m still on the operating table (you can’t see me or anything, but you can hear me). My husband is filming Maya in the warming bassinet with the neonatal nurses, watching her get the amniotic fluid sucked out of her mouth within a moment of being born.

Hearing myself drugged-up beyond belief saying, “She’s so beautiful, she’s ours, can you believe it…” was surreal; I remember that moment like it was yesterday and can feel myself swelling with pride recalling it.

Then I watched the video of her first bath (taken in recovery).

In this one, she is still naked, literally screaming bloody murder, making the same quivering lower lip movement she does when she’s about to wail. She sounds like a bleating goat, screeching and flailing and then she falls asleep, then stretches out her arms and feet, wakes up, wails some more while the nurses work their magic and my husband tries to hold her fingers. She’s clearly confused, scared … all the bright lights, strange sounds, strange voices.

This video made me cry– and not tears of joy. Seeing her so small and helpless and scared just freaked me out.

But then I remembered that immediately AFTER this bath … she was put in my arms for the first time alone (in the operating room I “held” her, as in, snuggled with her). She nuzzled up to my breast and latched on like she’d been doing it forever. I remember staring down at her and just being completely awestruck. Thinking I would do absolutely anything for this child.

And I would.

Now, Maya is four months old I’m still awestruck. She’s growing and thriving and developing her personality more and more each day.

She’s also doing all kinds of fun things now, including giggling, blowing raspberries, grabbing for things/swatting things, putting anything and everything in her mouth, sucking her thumb, trying to “walk”. All of these things have started in the past few weeks. She’s really coming into her own, and every day is an adventure.

This weekend, Maya began what we’re calling “squawking” — she is thrilled by her own voice and is enjoying shrieking and squealing in delight. It’s ridiculously cute … yet I’m pretty sure we’re both going to need a new set of eardrums. 😉 She actually sounds like a prehistoric pterodactyl, if I’m being completely frank!

Every new parents says this (causing the been-there-done-that parents to chide, “I told you so!”) but it is SO true … time is flying.

I get (lovingly) teased by friends and family for taking so many photos and videos of her, but I love being able to document her life, day by day. It’s rare I’ll have my camera on for most of her firsts, but I’ll get what I can get.

I just wish there was a little PAUSE button on life right now. I hope I don’t jinx myself by admitting this, but I’m quite honestly the happiest I’ve ever been.

And it feels beautiful.

I leave you with a funny video of Maya ripping/eating her birthday sign. All my fave Maya videos can be found here (for anyone interested!)