Introspection

As odd as it may seem (being a regular blogger and journaler who tends to over-think everything from the color of my bra to the next word I am about to type) … I haven’t had much time for introspection the past three months since Maya was born.

I’ve been living every moment and trying to enjoy and remember them all, knowing time with a newborn is precious and short, and soon she’ll be walking and talking! But I’ll be honest– it hasn’t always been easy.

The first two months I was (like all new moms) completely sleep-deprived and living on adrenaline, just trying to get from one feeding to the next, trying to learn her cries and sounds. By her third month I finally felt like I had the knack of what I was doing, and it was all about trying to get her on a regular sleep/nap schedule in prep for baby school (or daycare for new readers).

I’d say it was during this time that we really KNOW one another; it’s where we’re at now. As a new mom friend recently noted about her own experiences with her son, I feel I know what her hungry/tired/dirty/bored/cuddle me cues are now. I know how to make her break out into a huge smile (blowing raspberries is the method du jour) and this Friday, with both of us watching, my husband incited her to giggle her first real, loud giggles! It was amazing and I know the milestones will just keep on coming from here on out.

But for as much as I feel I know now (or think I know now), I also know babies can change in the blink of an eye. The toy that makes her squeal with delight today might be a source of contention tomorrow. Same goes with sleep patterns — after nearly 4 weeks of sleeping 9, 10, 11 hours … this Friday and Saturday she woke up both times after just 5 hours. Here we were thinking “Hurrah, those days are gone!” In the words of my dearly beloved and deeply missed friend Jason“Mmmm…. not so much!” It could be a growth-spurt though I personally think it’s because her nap schedules were totally thrown off both days but I digress …

Anyway, the point is, she’s growing more and more every day and because I’m so immersed in it, I –Miss Queen of Anxiety, Miss No-Time-to-Smell-The-Roses — haven’t really taken a step back to look and see just how much she has changed since December 18, 2010.

Yesterday I had a few spare minutes on my hands during one of Maya’s naps. I grabbed my iPhone and, instead of checking out Facebook or email, I decided to take a peek at the collection of videos I’ve taken of Maya.

It was the wildest thing … there were some videos of her just sitting there, not doing anything–and yet at the time, it was the most amazing thing ever. Now she’s chatting up a storm, kicking and flailing her arms excitedly, batting things, smiling wildly … and I’m sure THAT will pale in comparison to rolling over, crawling, walking, talking, etc.

And it’s not just her who has changed. I’ve changed, too.

Things that would upset me before roll off my back easier now.

I have a stronger stomach, in that I’m not grossed out by anything in a diaper anymore.

I  have more patience (for some things ;)) and am far more attentive than ever before to my surroundings.

I don’t want to spend money on myself — I much prefer shopping for Maya.

I used to go grocery shopping or run errands after work; now I run those errands at lunch so I have undivided time with Maya when we get home from work.

And when she’s in my arms, that’s my world; everything else can wait — the dishes, the bills, the laundry, the gym. It’ll get done … after 8 PM when she goes to bed.

Watching those videos was exactly what I needed … to remind myself that living in the moment is absolutely crucial — but so, too, is looking back on the past… sometimes if not for just to see how far we have come.

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