A loooong time ago I mentioned that a student pursuing her master’s in journalism at Columbia was interviewing me during my pregnancy for her graduate thesis. Every two weeks or so during my pregnancy we’d touch base just to see where I was at mentally and physically, and it was a great way to put into words some of what I was feeling.
She recently told me that the story was going to be published somewhere big … but didn’t say where.
Well … today I got an email and whoa nelly, there it is! ABCNews.com in the Health section: Pregorexia: When Pregnancy and Eating Disorders Mix.
Aside from the title, which I think is a bit misleading (and I know editors make those decisions, not the writers themselves — I wouldn’t describe myself as having battled pregorexia) … the article is totally accurate and true to form.
I did chew and spit and overexercise previously. I was afraid of getting fat during my pregnancy. I did emotionally eat during the testing. I never returned to chewing/spitting or overexercising as coping mechanisms; I put Maya first.
There’s nothing untrue there. It’s just hard to realize that, hey, that’s ME they’re talking about!
To be honest, I think I sound a little vain and self-obsessed at times (and really, I’m not THAT vain — for me, my disordered eating was far more about control than vanity, and there was no mention of therapy or blogotherapy) … but at the same time, Kate was working with what I gave her. I spoke those words. I’ve never hid anything on the blog, but maybe I just didn’t see it the way I do now, listening to myself.
I have to admit, for as comfortable as I am talking about where I’m at now and for as unabashed as I’ve been all along, it’s a little embarassing to read — in such a public forum — about my detailed chewing/spitting behaviors of the past. It’s nasty, gross, upsetting. And in my past.
The people I’m closest to know about my blog … and even some unsuspecting friends and family and colleagues are loyal readers and supporters. But many picked up reading long after I was through the ugliest phases and knowing it’s now out there — off the comfortable pages of my blog — is a little scary knowing all that ugliness is right there in the open.
But I’m all about transparency and wanted to share with you, my readers, first. Thank you for your support and right now I’m even more grateful I recently changed the title of my blog … totally coincidental but still! Seeing my own transformation on four pages of copy really got me emotional and I appreciate Kate for helping me see it brought to life. So thank you, Kate — I owe you! 🙂 Kudos on a well-written and researched piece and I’m glad I could participate as a source!
I’ll close with something that blog reader (and one of my BFFs) Staci said after I shared the article with her today, “I know that must be a difficult read for you, BUT, focus on the last page. The first three pages are history. The fourth is here and now, and that’s what matters. Look at how far you’ve come. I’m so proud of you!”
And with that … good night to all!