From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

My blog has gone through many changes in the nearly three years I’ve been writing (click here for my first post!). While I’ve undergone many physical and emotional changes in that time, the title of this post expresses the surface changes. (And once I can figure out how to edit my darn blog’s custom header I will!)

What does it mean to be “recovered”? I used to question this all the time, and still do.

Let’s look at the facts:

-I’m not chewing/spitting.

-I’m not over-exercising.

-I’m not waking and, half-asleep, eating in the middle of the night.

Those were the methods of my madness, er, disorderedness.

They are in my past.

The truth is, I’m not thin right now and have pre-baby and baby weight to lose … but I’m not freaking. The weight will come off.

And I’m back on Weight Watchers post-baby … but not obsessing. I journal, but am living and enjoying food for what it is: nutrition, pleasure, comfort. Not something to be abused.

Yes, I still have a tumultuous relationship with food sometimes. I still emotionally eat from time to time (what woman doesn’t?!) And sure, sometimes I don’t make the best choices or eat mindlessly or anxiously… but that’s not necessarily disordered (as reader Lindsay noted in yesterday’s comments).

The bottom line is (and this is key!) I don’t have the disordered thoughts I once did. Given the fact that I’m not at my comfortable weight/size, or even close to it, this means a ton!

While it’s true that every now and then a fleeting thought will cross my mind, I don’t give in to said thoughts anymore (except for when it comes to impulse buys — which is also related to my clothes shopping habits, so it’s not just with food!) and, as I spoke of yesterday, BLTs. But for me, that’s more anxious behavior than disordered eating, I see now.

Which is why, on the whole, I’d say I’m “recovered.”

If I believed my recovery could potentially relapse … then maybe I wouldn’t feel confident in changing my blog’s title. But I honestly feel recovered, and want to embrace that.

It doesn’t mean I’m perfect or have found some miracle pill to cure me. It took two years of hard work and focus to get here … but I think changing my blog’s title, even though I’m still not quite sure the direction my blog will go, will be a positive step in the right direction.

And if I can give others hope that it can be done, all the better.

Bottom’s up … I’ll be toasting my new-found status with a skim chai latte from my favorite coffee shop 🙂

How about you? What are your thoughts on recovery? Does it exist, but only as a constant battle to stay afloat?

Dislaimer: I think recovery for someone like me (i.e., who, though exhibited many disordered behaviors, was never anorexic or bulimic) is possible. But I don’t claim any expertise in the realm of eating disorders. While I believe recovery is certainly possible for those individuals, I can’t speak to that and don’t want to mislead anyone. I realize medical and psychological intervention is often required for recovery.


5 thoughts on “From “Disordered” to “(Recovering) Disordered” to “Recovered Disordered”

  1. I have to echo Mara. I’m so, so proud of how far you’ve come. And, especially now that you have Maya – what a huge accomplishment!

    Congrats, my dear, dear friend.


  2. That’s so great how far you have come. You should be very proud of yourself. I have been and and off Weight Watchers for years and this last time put me over the edge with the obsessiveness. I’m trying intuitive eating now and although it has definitely helped with the obsession, i’m still not at a place of body acceptance. I want to loose weight. I don’t know how to have the best of both worlds though. I just love your blog and your Maya is just beautiful by the way!

  3. this is amazing and so heartening to read. congratulations and thank you for all you’ve shared. please continue to share in this community and in your mommy-ness!

  4. Congrats on your recovery!! It’s alot of work but well worth it!

    I was wondering if anyone knows the answer to this. I’ve been a bulimic for 16 years and finally getting the help I need! My husband and I want to get pregnant and I promised myself that I WILL NOT binge and purge!! I have faith that I won’t and I’m getting much stonger.
    If I do get pregnant, and haven’t binged or purged in a few months, are there any side effects regarding the babies health?
    Is my body healthy enough to have a baby? Is my body ready even though I was a bulimic for so long??

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