At the time, it moved me to tears … and I had never even held her yet! Yet nothing prepared me for something I experienced today with Maya.
First, she was on the swing and started to cry and all she wanted was to snuggle/nuzzle with me — it was the first time I felt truly needed and not in the sense of meeting her basic needs, but rather wanted. Like, she wanted me and my smell and body warmth — not because she needed to be changed or fed.
With her head buried in my chest and her knees curled up under her, I called my mom straight away … feeling all schmoopy.
Later on, I put her back in her swing while I was folding laundry and walked out of the room for a minute to put her clothes in the nursery. She followed me with her eyes and when I came back, she gave me THE hugest grin ever. Once again, I couldn’t help but tear up.
My pledge class T-shirts read “What is understood need not be explained.” It can be applied to many things: sisterhood, friendship, motherhood, love, passion. Today, it was about the unconditional love I feel for my daughter. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before … it’s the intense, incredible love I have for my husband, family and best friends … multiplied by 100. I know words won’t do it justice, so I won’t even try.
What I’m finding interesting is that for someone like me who is usually so quick to act, always on the go and wanting to look ten steps ahead … I’m very much living in the moment with Maya and trying not to look too far into the future. I don’t want time to hurry up; I want it to stand still. I feel a patience I’ve never experienced (OK, at 4 AM my patience is often waning … ;)) and I don’t feel particularly anxious.
The only thing I DO feel anxious about is the fact that March 14, I return to work. I’d be lying if I said I had no reservations about this. I mean, I love my job and will go back … I know it’s the right decision … but the thought of not having this special time with her is just killing me.
So I’m going to focus on the time we DO have, and cross the next bridge when we come to it. I do apologize for my lack of blogging as of late, and know once I go back to work it’ll be easier because I’ll probably blog on my lunch breaks like I used to.
Thanks for bearing with me!!