No, no, I haven’t gone back into the depths of disordered eating despair and my gym membership is on hold so rest assured I’m not over-exercising (or moving anything except my mouth to eat and legs to walk) … but I am experiencing a resurgence of anxiety that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. The difference is, this time it feels wholly different–I think because I can pin-point exactly what I’m anxious about.
I debated sharing it here on the blog, but this is my outlet and I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit it: I’m scared of the C-section; scared of dying on the operating table.
I have this fear of my husband walking out of the operating room and telling my mom, dumb-struck, “We lost her,” and it won’t be in reference to Maya …
A C-section is not exactly minor surgery … and it does have plenty of risks involved, such as infection, blood loss, blood clots, etc…. and those are just risks to me! (Though I’m in agreement with my doctors that when it comes to Maya, the benefits of a C-section delivery outweigh the risks of a vaginal delivery).
But yet C-sections are routinely done every day — and now nearly 30 percent of births are done by C-section, so I should feel reassured knowing that. And truthfully, deep down, I know these fears are irrational and unfounded — I’m perfectly healthy, have never had any other surgery, my pregnancy has been complication-free (well, physically it has been–testing/nuchal cord issues aside), and I have wonderful doctors who have been monitoring me like mad … who have done tons of these surgeries before … but it’s this nagging feeling I just can’t shake.
I’m sure my feelings are normal but it’s still hard to grapple with–though I have to say writing it out helped and I do feel a little better already! I know the end result — Maya — will make all these pre-surgery jitters fade into the proverbial sunset but for now, I’m going to just sit with these feelings and think positive thoughts!!
On a positive note, I just tipped past the 25-lb weight gain mark today so I feel good about that. Hoping it means Maya is getting bigger and stronger (judging from her punches and kicks, I’m guessing that’s a yes?!)