No, no, I haven’t gone back into the depths of disordered eating despair and my gym membership is on hold so rest assured I’m not over-exercising (or moving anything except my mouth to eat and legs to walk) … but I am experiencing a resurgence of anxiety that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. The difference is, this time it feels wholly different–I think because I can pin-point exactly what I’m anxious about.
I debated sharing it here on the blog, but this is my outlet and I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit it: I’m scared of the C-section; scared of dying on the operating table.
I have this fear of my husband walking out of the operating room and telling my mom, dumb-struck, “We lost her,” and it won’t be in reference to Maya …
A C-section is not exactly minor surgery … and it does have plenty of risks involved, such as infection, blood loss, blood clots, etc…. and those are just risks to me! (Though I’m in agreement with my doctors that when it comes to Maya, the benefits of a C-section delivery outweigh the risks of a vaginal delivery).
But yet C-sections are routinely done every day — and now nearly 30 percent of births are done by C-section, so I should feel reassured knowing that. And truthfully, deep down, I know these fears are irrational and unfounded — I’m perfectly healthy, have never had any other surgery, my pregnancy has been complication-free (well, physically it has been–testing/nuchal cord issues aside), and I have wonderful doctors who have been monitoring me like mad … who have done tons of these surgeries before … but it’s this nagging feeling I just can’t shake.
I’m sure my feelings are normal but it’s still hard to grapple with–though I have to say writing it out helped and I do feel a little better already! I know the end result — Maya — will make all these pre-surgery jitters fade into the proverbial sunset but for now, I’m going to just sit with these feelings and think positive thoughts!!
On a positive note, I just tipped past the 25-lb weight gain mark today so I feel good about that. Hoping it means Maya is getting bigger and stronger (judging from her punches and kicks, I’m guessing that’s a yes?!)
Let There Be Light 
I kid you not that when I woke up from my gastric bypass surgery my first thought was, “I lived.” That was my first hospital experience since *I* was born and I had been terrified.
For the C-Section, you’ll be awake, so that should help alleviate the fear. That said, it was unsettling to be numb from the waist down and I did actually have a bit of a panic attack in the OR, to the extent that they did pump some kind of anti-anxiety med into my IV, after which I felt much better (and it was safe for Nate since he was so close to coming out at that point).
Also, the whole thing is quick. I went in to the OR at 9:30 and Nate was born at 9:51. After that, they finish up (which takes a little longer) and you’re outta there and get to spend the rest of the day, week, your life with Maya.
I had a pregnant coworker who, whenever anyone asked her how she was feeling, would say, “I’m great! Just waiting for my prize!” This was over ten years ago but it always stuck with me. It’s normal to have fears, but there’s always the prize to look forward to at the end. 🙂
I sooo needed to read this, Candice–thank you!! You’re right, it IS a quick surgery and we are awake …. not sure why I’m so freaked, but I am. And you’re right, the prize at the end will be totally and absolutely worth it! I just need to remember that.
Oh no, no, no, no! First, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m not there to give you a hug. That sucks.
Second, you know its irrational so I feel a bit better. I really appreciate Candice’s words as I couldn’t have said it better.
Just a few more days and you will have your prize. ((HUGS))
Thanks, Staci–I feel your hug from Cali! 🙂 Yes, Candice’s words were just what I needed!
Yup, my prize 🙂 (hence my status update last night ;))
Although I’ve never given birth or had a major operation, I know that both are scary. Your feelings are absolutely normal. I know you already know that, but I just thought it bears repeating because that’s awesome! You are tuned into your emotional life, instead of eating or chew/spitting your way into emotional oblivion. You are strong, you are gorgeous, and you are going to make a great Mom. All the rest is in God’s hands — thank goodness, in my opinion! 🙂
Thanks so much, Beth–that means a ton!!! 🙂
I have given birth twice (yea!) and had um…..at least 5 operations (boo!) and your fears are totally normal. No doubt they are intensified by the fact that this is your first baby, which is a totally nerve-wracking experience all together. Once you have the baby, you’ll forget everything else!