(I haven’t weighed myself since pre-Korea and I can tell you, I’m not feeling great and know it’ll be ugly when I do step on next week at the doctor’s).
But really, I’m talking about equilibriums with respect to health, and how I went from one end of the spectrum — restriction, over-exercising, obsession, avoidance of certain foods — to a much freer end of the spectrum where I am less restrictive, still exercising but not lifting, eating too much … and eating the wrong foods.
Basically, this Libra needs an exercise in BALANCE.
Though I sought a healthy lifestyle, the scales that once tipped in the direction of disordered eating (read as: UNHEALTHY) have now tipped the other way (also read as: UNHEALTHY) — where I’m eating things that just don’t make me feel good.
No one’s force feeding me and I’ve no one to blame but myself.
And yes, I realize I sound like a broken record here … but I can’t seem to get a grip!
I’ll be honest; there was something gratifying and victorious about being out for dessert with girlfriends last night and enjoying Coldstone Creamery, guilt-free.
Sure, I got the FF/SF sinless sweet cream (and piled on fruit and white chocolate chips and a little grahams for some flavor) but it felt nice to just enjoy dessert.
A year ago, I probably would have said “no thanks” and gone home and (I’m being honest here) felt sad or resentful that I didn’t partake, and would have probably chewed and spit my way through a bag of candy and then hated myself for it later.
Fortunately, those days are long gone, and I’m much, much happier for it.
But I’ll be honest, for as much as I enjoy those fleeting moments of success (as in, eating something and enjoying it and not feeling guilty) I still can’t help shake the nagging feeling that I don’t really deserve to be indulging in desserts or anything right now.
Especially since I am nowhere near where I feel my best, but even moreso because it’s not like that ice cream last night was my “special treat” of the day. It wasn’t (but I enjoyed it anyway, including samples of the new Oreo Cream ice cream — holy deliciousness, OMG, foodgasm!).
All this said, I didn’t think about it til today — and please note, not in the dwelling sense, but rather the realistic wake-up-call sense that hey, I CAN have more moments like that … if I’m willing to sacrifice the other treats I eat impulsively (always impulsively) during the day.
To me, that’s common sense. I think it’s how “normal” eaters eat; they naturally balance their days. Even when I began WW, I’d save 10 Flex Points each Friday for a giant Potbelly’s cookie. It was planned, not impulsive, and hit the spot. I need to channel THAT mentality again.
I’m still not normal, and I happened to just flip from one extreme to the other and somewhere in the center is the fuzzy gray, a.k.a. the middle ground.
So in a way, I think I’m making some mental progress — but I’m still stuck where I want my cake and to eat it, too … after I’ve already had chocolate, cupcakes, and candy (so to speak; not literally!).
So I’ve made a commitment to myself and I’m sharing it here: I need to cut back on sugar, period.
My sugar intake is through the roof; I started actually reading the label on things I eat (even innocuous things) and it’s seriously ridiculous — sugar is everywhere. It’s scary, actually. The American Heart Association recommends no more than 25 grams of (added) sugar a day.
Um … though not “added” my apples have 13 grams of sugar EACH and I eat 2-3 a day (with each meal or at least 2 meals a day). This doesn’t even include added sugars in foods I eat … let alone my sweets fetish. <<Sigh>>.
Point being, I think I’ll feel a lot better about myself — and a lot more in control of my health — if I go back to the basics and really focus on clean eating. Not FF/SF crap … but real, whole foods. Not quick fixes b/c I only have 4 Points for dinner.
I’ve strayed so far in the other direction lately that it’s not even funny. I know what I need to do, and after yapping about it for so long, I really feel ready to do something about it.
I think it’s because my WW anniversary (6 yrs!) is April 13, and not only am I not at goal (which I could deal with) but I’m a good 1o-15 lbs from where I feel my best … and that hurts, period.
So there’s no time like the present …
How about you? Where do you stand, balance-wise, right now? Are the scales tipping in one direction over the other or do you seem to have found that blessed, blissful sweet-spot? And do you think true balance can ever really be achieved, or is it a lofty goal that keeps us striving for more?