But the past two weeks — in spite of being painfully aware that I’ve been over-eating — or this past weekend, when I just gave in to emotional eating, period (borderlining on binges) — all the awareness in the world — even recognizing the “why” — hasn’t helped me stop.
I’m not channeling the CBT techniques I learned in therapy, like trying to occupy myself with other thoughts or doing something else when the impulse to eat strikes — recognizing food won’t fill a void but rather is just anesthetizing me to whatever I’m feeling, as Kara DioGuardi noted in this month’s Women’s Health cover story.
I’m basically just giving into the orange binge monster (WW’s adorable mascot) whatever, whenever. And it’s ugly.
As you might imagine, nothing scares someone like me more than being out of control … yet I’m allowing it to happen, almost enabling it by my behaviors? Instead of flexing my resistance muscle, it’s almost as though I’m resisting rationale? I don’t know what it is, but I need to put the kibosh on it STAT.
I will spare you the gory details, but let’s just say this weekend was not one of my finest and I’m pretty ashamed of how I handled several non-food-related situations that led to food-related-situations, if that makes any sense.
But it’s a new day tomorrow, and I hope to just have a fresh start. I think I might focus on less sugar for now (a la Steph and her sugar wean at Noshtopia) because in all honesty, all my food-related issues are tied to sugar!
Oh and before you think I had some heinously miserable weekend, let me state for the record — it wasn’t all bad!
Our office closed early Friday and so my hubby and I went for a fabulous 15-mile bike ride with two of our close friends, which felt awesome. Afterwards, though smoothies don’t interest me in the slightest, I handled an impromptu SmoothieKing visit by just picking what was the lightest thing on the menu and enjoying it.
And today, with the gym closed, my husband playing soccer and it being sunny (albeit a little chilly) I enjoyed a solo 5-mile run on the bike path behind our house. All was fine and dandy til a SNAKE scuttled out!! To say I nearly had a heart attack would be an understatement! I DO NOT LIKE SNAKES!
Anyway, I just don’t know what my problem is … I can’t seem to get a handle on things right now and feel like my discipline and desire to lose weight are slipping away and I can’t afford for them to be doing that. 1) I can’t afford a new wardrobe … and 2) I am technically overweight where I am right now and feel “fluffy.”
This isn’t just about vanity; it was really hard for me to run those 5 miles today … running is such a different workout than what I do at the gym every day and an outdoor run is a great way to prove just how out of shape I am, or at least when it comes to endurance — which I used to have.
I give my friends who are training for/have trained for halves and full marathons tons of credit … after 5 or 6 miles, I’m just done, mentally and physically.
And I lack the motivation to challenge myself physically, so “pushing it” (what I did in high school when I ran track … or even how I run when I run with my husband, who challenges me to run faster) just doesn’t happen if I’m running alone.
I don’t know if it’s the extra weight I’m carrying or the lack of practice (this was only my second run since November) but I felt it and was pretty disappointed in myself. I think I will try to mix it up with at least one or two runs a week, now that it’s warmer out. I love the euphoric post-run feeling and though my pace sucks right now, I know within a few weeks of steadier runs, I’ll be OK again.
Sorry for such a meandering, rambling post today but I’m just not all here. Hope everyone who celebrates Easter had a wonderful time with their families!
Thanks for listening … sorry this isn’t my most awesome writing or topic but I’m just in a funk … pardon the dust!
How about you? I’ve asked this before, but there’s always some new readers. What are your kick-the-binge-monster-in-the-ass techniques?