Or maybe it’s not anxiety; I don’t know for sure. Maybe it’s just fatigue? Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
I know I’ve said it quite a bit recently, but for the past few months, I’ve been having trouble with not giving in to temptations.
Logic says: If I didn’t buy it, I wouldn’t eat it.
You’d never see me order a cheeseburger or fries at a restaurant (I prefer to make meals like that at home, modified to my liking where I’m controlling the ingredients and can “healthify” the meal) .
Yet I seem to have no problem buying trashy processed Chex Mix and lack-luster chocolate bars that I’ll take a bite of before tossing–wasting both hard-earned money and precious calories that could be/should be spent on nutritious options.
It’s illogical, ridiculous, and emotional. But the truth is, it just isn’t that easy for me lately to just say no to my irrational compulsions.
Defying logic, I seem to be on auto-pilot, unable to stop myself from the compulsive behavior. (As noted before, I struggle with compulsion when it comes to shopping, too).
I need to be keeping in mind what Dr. G. taught me about overriding immediate gratification, but so far … FAIL.
I did some soul-searching this weekend and tried to come up with a reasoning behind these past few months of just not caring (yet caring) and all I can come up with is I’m testing myself.
Horrible as it sounds, I feel like I’m testing my body’s limits.
I’m fueling it craptastically. The only time I’m not noshing is when I’m sleeping, and I’m exercising as much as always and haven’t cut back really, save for last week’s short runs vs my usual cardio sessions.
It’s like I know what to do, but am ignoring my own intuition. My own logical voice. An emotional person, I’m usually driven my emotions. But here, in this case, I really need to be driven by logic. I have the tools in the toolbox. I’m just not using them.
I know some of it has to do with being away last week and having mad PMS cravings and zero willpower to just say no. But it’s a cop out. I’m being too easy on myself, which is the opposite of how I usually am.
And this is one of those moments where having high expectations of myself might help me out of this slump.
Because I know myself well; Chex Mix and chocolate are my Achille’s heels. You’ve heard me say it before; this is nothing new. So why do I continue to buy it?! It’s like I’m possessed. It’s junk food that DOES NOT FILL ME. DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD. WON’T HELP ME LOSE WEIGHT.
I know I need to raise my expectations, believe I CAN do this … instate “no choice” and flex my resistance muscles but, at the sake of sounding whiny … I guess deep down, maybe “I just don’t wanna.”
And until I “wanna” I will not lose weight. Plain and simple.
I realize that emotional eating is the last hurdle for me to get past, and this one seems to be the most troublesome, because it’s so deep-rooted in me.
I feel like such a fraud; I eat healthy MEALS (balanced, nutritious, delicious) but then my SNACKS are all unplanned and, well, junk! Stuff I’d shun years ago. Calories I don’t need, but give in to. Stuff that doesn’t make me happy or feel good about myself.
GUILT, not PRIDE.
Who am I?! Why the mask? Why the need to hide it? Because truth be told, I’m ashamed at the thought of being “caught” at Walgreen’s on my lunch-break buying this junk … I know people think I’m a healthy freak. Therein lies the problem. It’s sneaky behavior. And it’s unnecessary.
Let’s be real here … If I didn’t think it was wrong, I wouldn’t be embarrassed at the idea of bumping into someone I know!
Ultimately, I want to get to the place where food is just food, without any complexities or judgments. I don’t know if that will ever be the case, but I don’t want to feel ashamed about my choices or feel like I’m living some double-life; promoting healthy eating and living it … but still indulging in junk food on the side, and not in the normal “occassional” way.
It’s becoming a problem. Logic tells me this. For once, I need to listen to logic.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I’ll just try my best. I need to practice intuitive eating, and when I am eating cleanly … it’s much easier.
I know I can handle this on my own — I just need to have faith I can do it. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to muster up.
How about you? Any strategies you’d like to share for mindless/emotional eating? Self-rebellion/ testing yourself?