I just wanted to thank you all for your insightful comments. I concluded tonight that part of my compulsion stems from the fact that I’m alone a lot and am turning to food for comfort. Not good.
It’s not his fault, but with my hubby in biz school (at UofMich, a 75-min. drive each way — after work!), he’s always in class or studying — and it has been, admittedly, stressful for me.
My friends are great (the best!), but they have their own lives to live, and my family is far, far away. Ultimately, I know I need to create my own happiness, but I haven’t been.
I’m alone a lot … and I feel like my weekends are dependent upon school. See, I finished grad school in 2002, so it’s ancient history for me. Sometimes I wish we were both in school now then I’d be more understanding/have something to focus on whole-heartedly, too.
Anyway, fortunately, we do spend virtually all of his free time together (and I do my own thing/make my own plans when he’s studying), but between work and school and home, it’s hard to strike a balance.
And even when he feels he is striking that balance, sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough for me, because I’m the one alone. So I think that creates an empty void for me that perhaps I’m filling with food/emotional eating/compulsive buying.
God, typing this out makes it real. (And believe me, it’s not something he and I haven’t talked about ad nauseum; it’s just hard to find a solution because it’s not like he’s out there having fun — he’s getting his MBA! In fact, he’s at class while I type this!)
Education is so very important to my husband, and I know the sooner he plows through, the sooner we’ll have it behind us (he’s half-way through because he’s been busting his smarty-pants butt for us, for our future!).
This isn’t an excuse, but digging into why I am so compulsive, I think a lot of it is related to loneliness.
Truthfully, this loneliness is why we haven’t had a baby yet, even though we’re both ready and want to, with him in school for another year and some change, he knows it’s hard enough with just me feeling lonely … imagine with an infant?! Plus, he wants to be a daddy who is there for me and a baby, and I understand that (and love that! :)). So that’s another stressor, I guess, if I’m being completely honest … that this next stage of our life is on hold.
Anyway, thanks for listening … though I over-ate today (again), I started over my WW Points anyway — I just needed a fresh start. I’m bloated anyway from PMS and I feel uncomfortably full now; not the way anyone wants to go to sleep.
Still, discomfort aside, I feel better just admitting all this here … and I appreciate the support more than you know.