Last week I mentioned how happy I was to feel “recovered” in that I recognize when others are being obsessive and it annoys me.
And while I’ve never fooled myself into thinking my issues were gone, yesterday I had the sharp realization that I’m not 100% there yet.
In looking at this pie chart, I’d say that missing green piece is my challenge now. I’m about 2/3 of the way there, but I still have work to do.
1) I am still buying/eating the foods I used to chew/spit.
2) I am still eating trigger foods I don’t need (FF ReddiWhip, chocolate) because deep down, I want to believe I can incorporate them into my life … but then I cut out “real food.”
3) I am eating too much, period.
All of this equating:
1) I am not treating my body like a temple/nourishing it.
2) I’m not losing any weight.
3) I don’t look/feel my best, and that trickles into much more than just my body image.
I need to adapt my “Choose pride over guilt” mantra to my food choices, because I’ve been unhappy with my decisions — or lack of decisions (read as: impulses) — lately.
I just wanted to lay this out there because I know a lot of my readers look up to me and my progress., and don’t want to feel like a fraud, going through something but keeping it to myself.
I can’t deny I’ve made progress … no doubt, I have. But I am still struggling on some levels.
In retrospect, I think my recovery process has three parts. First, there was awareness/deciding to face my problems head-on. Second, stopping chewing and spitting and over-exercising. And third, stopping buying trigger foods/emotional eating.
I’m at the cusp of step three. Because when (for example) I’m still eating egg whites instead of whole eggs because I ODed on Chex mix or chocolate and am low on Points … well, that’s still pretty disordered. And there’s no denying that.
I had my wake-up call, and hope to make today a new, better day. There’s only one. If I want to get pregnant and have a baby someday, I can’t live this way. I just can’t.
This post isn’t meant to imply I’ve had some set-back or am wallowing in self-pity; I’m not.
But by the same token, I haven’t been treating my body like a temple and didn’t want to go forward pretending I was. Sometimes we need to say something aloud for it to be “real.”
Consider this my “out loud” moment. It’s time to face the music and accept that nothing will change unless I change my behaviors. Ultimately, I need to stop buying the junk, the triggers.
I need to adapt “choose pride over guilt,” and apply it towards much more than just chewing and spitting. Only then will I be able to really be OK.
How about you? What does “recovered” mean to you? And if you believe disordered eating is something you’ll struggle with throughout your life, what level of “disordered” can you live with?