I’m flattered to be guest blogging over at Confessions of a Compulsive Eater today about my recovery journey and where I am today. Check it out here or after the jump.
Successful weight loss and weight maintenance is what led to my obsessive, disordered eating behaviors.
After three years of struggling with these issues, I had had enough. I was sick of the secrecy, the misery … and “came out” about my issues via blog.
Yet oddly, it wasn’t traditional therapy or blogotherapy (the two proactive recovery steps I took to get better) that inevitably got me to stop the ugliest of the disordered eating behaviors (chewing and spitting).
While those two steps helped in their own right, it was actually a phone conversation last March that I had with my younger brother that actually got me to stop chewing and spitting cold turkey, that got me to see the light.
Knowing how guilty and unhappy my anxious behaviors were making me, he convinced me to see that I had the power to choose pride over guilt.
It didn’t matter that my parents, husband, friends had been trying to get me to see the same thing for months (i.e., that I had a choice; that I could stop the behaviors; that I was empowered to do it)… somehow the way he explained it just clicked.
Maybe I was just ready to hear it when he said it? I honestly don’t know. All I do know is, I haven’t looked back since.
Throughout the past ten months, I’ve tried to adapt and apply his “choose pride over guilt” mantra to other disordered habits I’ve worked to overcome, including over-exercising, midnight eating, and emotional eating.
It doesn’t always work, but when it comes to chewing and spitting, I’m proud to say I haven’t done it since March 2009.
I don’t know if we ever “get over” disordered eating issues (I know I still think about food and exercise and body image) but I do know that putting the onus on myself—instead of seeing myself as a victim of circumstance—was the single most influential factor in my recovery journey.
We can blame society, our hardwiring – and don’t be fooled; they very much play a role – but ultimately, we need to accept our own responsibilities and change our thoughts about our behaviors.
For a long time, I didn’t want to stop. In fact, I likened it to “the bases,” in that I could enjoy the experience without ever “going all the way” (as in, into a full-fledged eating disorder).
To this day, I have never purged or starved myself, but chewing/spitting was my “rebellion” from perfectionism, if you will. I liked the sensation of buying something and mutilating it. It was my coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, etc.
And I liked it … until I didn’t like it anymore.
One day, I started feeling badly afterwards … guilty. And I didn’t want to feel guilty any longer. I didn’t want my day to be deemed “good” or “bad” based upon my relationship with food.
So, with my brother’s words, and the support of my family, friends and the blogosphere, I stopped cold turkey.
I am still struggling with body acceptance (I weigh 10-15 lbs. more than my happy weight) but overall, I’m extremely proud that I was able to get the help I needed, have the support I needed, and garner the confidence I needed to dig myself out of the trenches.
And you can do it, too. You just need to be ready and willing to take on the challenge (through therapy, seeing a doctor/nutritionist/etc.). It might take baby steps, and you might stumble … but believe me, you can overcome disordered eating issues.
Because, to quote L’Oreal’s ad slogan, “you’re worth it.”
And when you believe it, you start to live it. And, in time, I have a feeling you, too, will find yourself choosing pride over guilt.
8 thoughts on “Choosing Pride Over Guilt–Guest Bloggin’ About Recovery”
I don’t know Liss, you didn’t seem that happy at your “happy weight,” but you seem pretty happy now. 🙂 New happy weight?
I love that one conversation can have an impact. I bet there’s a blog post you’ve written that’s similarly affected someone else.
Awesome point, Sara … I AM much happier now, albeit a little fluffier 😉
I hope so!! 🙂
I really like this idea. I don’t know if we ever “get over” disordered eating either, and this has been a humbling (sometimes depressing) realization. I think we just get to know ourselves better and how to manage to stay healthy. Nothing wrong with that 😉 It’s also helped me to remember that I’m not a victim of this stuff. I give it so much power. I cower in the face of powerful rituals and routines and rules. But, really, I DO have power. Remembering this gives me a burst of recovery energy 🙂
Thanks for this!
Thanks, Kim!! Yes you DO have power. Ultimately, I needed to see that to really “get” it 🙂
I just put a sticky note by my desk that says “choose pride over guilt.” What a great philosophy to have!
Awesome Sarah! It’s a mantra to live by — literally. (not doing it –i.e., choosing guilt over pride — wouldn’t be living)
Great post, as I often get so wrapped up in my own head and disordered obsessions that I forget I do have a choice–even if at times it feels like my only option is to give into the urges. The difficult part is realizing what choices are healthiest for you and actually implementing that plan, as opposed to choosing the comfort of routine.
Thanks for the reminder!
Its really inspiring to hear someone with the same problems i have, to say that they have been able to deal with it and recover..I wish i could say the same.. i am too 10 lbs over my happy weight, and its amazingly scary how it is affecting every single aspect of my life, how my entire day is based upon how much i’ve eat, how bad of a person i feel if overeat… how no one understands how i just HAVE to go to the gym…