After every major event I’ve planned — be it for work (a press conference, a symposium, a meeting) … or for fun (a party, my wedding, a vacation), following the immediate high of said momentous occasion/event, there’s always that immediate feeling of OK … now what?!
I think that’s part of being one of those people who is always looking four steps ahead and struggles (as I’ve acknowledged here many times) with being content “in the moment” and not looking beyond it towards something else.
The holidays for me are another “event” — and though this year was different in that we weren’t with immediate family or travel anywhere, I still feel that unsettling sense of “OK, now what?”
Couple this temporary lapse into a depression (which many people experience this time of year) with disappointment in myself (a result of my tighter-than-I’d-like-them-to-be jeans and WAY too many sweets) and you very well *could* have recipe for disaster.
But in spite of this, I actually don’t feel like I’m headed into disaster territory right now — and here’s why.
See, I think it’s OKAY to feel this bit of depression/disappointment in this moment … because I know in my heart of hearts I’m going to bounce back and not dwell on these feelings.
I say this not to offer a blanket statement here (as everyone is unique), but because sometimes I think I need to hit rock bottom before I can see the forest through the trees.
That happened with me in March, when I stopped chewing/spitting cold turkey. I hit rock bottom and then BAM, haven’t done it since. Hell, I don’t even think about it anymore (and when I do, I shudder at the memories of how miserable I was when I did it).
Still, my relationship with food is quite uncomfortable at best, volatile at worst.
For my first few years on Weight Watchers, I was a straight A student, and avoided things cold-turkey.
Then I got cocky and tempted myself little by little, which led to a little weight gain but nothing major.
Then I got really sneaky and started chewing/spitting those temptations, tricking myself into thinking this was “OK” because I wasn’t really swallowing the food …
And then, though I stopped that nasty, gross habit, I started consuming the foods I previously chewed/spit … which meant I wasn’t eating cleanly and was definitely eating too much processed crap I didn’t need.
Which brings me to today.
Though I am not engaging in those unhealthy behaviors anymore (chewing/spitting or over-exercising), I am still quite disordered in my eating: wasting tons of Points on junk during the day and then finding myself low on Points. which means I either am stuck with a lame-ass dinner, or go over my Points and eat Activity Points (which I’ve been doing week after week lately … )
The truth is, even with stopping chewing/spitting and exercising regularly, I’ve not dropped an ounce since March (I’ve technically maintained, though after the holidays … eeks! Who knows).
And so if I’m being perfectly honest (because I always am here), I’m disappointed in myself for 1) not nipping this recent several-months-long crap-fest and 2) not losing the 10-15 lbs I’d like to, to get back to where I feel my best.
Though I say I’m saner (and, truthfully, I do feel much saner and think I act saner now than I did even a year ago), my relationship with food is still quite volatile and, I’m sad to say, very emotional-driven.
For example, I was upset about something yesterday and instead of just buying what I went into Target for (this cologne my hubby wants that apparently they don’t sell at Macys but DO sell at Target — go figure!) I was on autopilot for the snack aisle. Seeing they were on sale, I bought a bag of dark chocolate and a bag of cheddar.
In the car, I had a little handful of each and, once I had the (earth-shattering!) realization that, “Hey, Chex mix isn’t going to make you feel better, Melissa!” I tossed the bags.
It’s moments like that where I realize I’m still not “normal” when it comes to food. Then again, I recently heard a quote that I loved that goes like this, “Normal is a setting on a washing machine and nothing more.”
So maybe there really is no official “normal” … but regardless, I know in my heart I could treat myself — and my body — much, much better. Last year my non-resolution resolution was to treat my body like a temple, and I think I fulfilled that resolution about halfway.
This year, I’d like to be able to feel like I fulfilled it all the way.
Wrapping this ridiculously long post up, though I’m disappointed in myself, I don’t think that it’s such a bad thing — especially because I’m going to be using that disappointment to fuel something positive: an attitude adjustment and an outlook adjustment towards my body.
After all, we only get one body … we need to love it and nurture it, and I’ve not been doing a good job at either of those things.
And since I want to be a mom someday, it’s all the more reason I need to get a grip on my eating and my outlook. Now. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today?!
How about you? Do you think it’s OK to feel disappointed in yourself? Does it help you get over whatever hump you’re facing?