Though I don’t weigh any less than I did seven months ago, I have to marvel at the fact that it’s been nearly seven months since I’ve chewed and spit.

Wow.

Truth be told, I really believed I’d lose weight when I stopped c/s (since my intake and exercise haven’t changed) but as it turns out, I’ve maintained this whole time.

Which isn’t such a bad thing, but still. You can imagine my disappointment, but really there’s only one person to blame: me.

I think the reason why I’m not losing is simple and obvious: I’ve not been eating as cleanly as I could, and I’ve been ingesting a lot of the triggers I used to c/s (SUGAR!!) … so now I need to stop buying/eating said triggers. 

I know; I’ve said it a million times here and you’re probably sick of hearing about it, but I’ve not followed through. I was able to use the “choose pride over guilt” mind-shift to stop c/s … but when it comes to not buying triggers, I’ve been 100% guilty of internal rebellion.

I know I’m only human, but it’s hard when we feel disappointed in ourselves because we know deep down we could have made better choices, could have flexed our resistance muscle.

In the words of my former therapist, Dr. G., I’m not “over-riding immediate gratification” but rather am 100% giving in to it. It’s like when I walk into DSW or the Loft or Banana … I have a hard time not giving in to my resistance muscle. I am a shopper …

This weekend, for example, I knew I didn’t have much extra money to go shopping — especially since my hsuband and I are considering visiting my brother in S. Korea this coming Jan. or Feb. But I get such a high from it — much like the high I get from a good workout — and so it’s only later, when I’m at home staring at shopping bags, that I feel ay buyer’s remorse.

So the tags stay on for days, weeks, until I make the decision: keep or return. (The trouser jeans, keep. The tall black boots, think about. The adorbs tweed blazer, possibly return).

What’s even harder for me to understand is that I feel so very fulfilled in every aspect of my life (personal, romantic, professional, etc), so I don’t know why I give in to the impulse to go on a shopping spree (that keep me from saving my money) or buy/eat trigger foods (that keep me from losing any weight).

So I’ve been coasting along … not making any real gains in terms of weight loss OR personal savings … two things I really wanted to focus on this year. Because they really DO go hand-in-hand for me.

Honestly, I think it’s that I buy clothes because they make me feel good about myself, even though I don’t look my best. But I also can’t be buying everything I like “just because,” either.

I don’t want to be “coasting along” — I want to be making progress. And while I think I have in many ways, there’s still more work to be done; I can’t get lazy now. Recovery has many aspects and while I might not be engaging in destructive behaviors anymore, my thoughts are not in synch with my actions and they need to be.

So that’s my goal this week: to not coast in the passenger seat of my life, but rather … DRIVE; be behind the wheel of my own destiny. I need to remember this next time candy corn is calling my name.

Because really, candy corn (et al.)  is standing in between my “best me” and the me I am feeling like lately. 

How about you? Do you find solace in retail therapy? And what triggers can you simply NOT buy?