If awareness is half the recovery battle (the other half being the change that ensues), then what is it when you are aware that your behavior isn’t helping any, and you know it, but continue to do it?
I hate to admit it, but lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in this cycle where I’m waking and eating again on autopilot (not every night, but all too often), which means I’m eating more than I need to be eating … and then exercising the next day to “undo” the damage.
It’s that disordered brain coming back, and I don’t like it one bit. I can’t even blame it on anxiety or stress … this has been a very relaxing and fun summer, good on both personal and professional levels … so what gives?!
I’m not over-exercising (nothing excessive, I promise) — just as a result, not taking days off when I could benefit from them (the mental break, if nothing else) … or forcing myself to go when I honestly don’t feel like it.
Yes, this is disordered thinking. Yes, it’s disordered behavior. And yes, I can choose to break the cycle (like I chose to stop chewing and spitting).
But no, I’m just not doing it. Is this maybe just a stage of rebellion? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tapped from trying so hard and not seeing results because of self-sabatoge.
All I know for sure (to quote Oprah) is that this madness has got to stop. It’s not just about the weight; it’s much deeper than that. It’s my sense of self that is suffering, and my head needs to be screwed on right.
I need to take my awareness to that next level, I need to step up to the plate. Tomorrow’s post (written before this one) kind of touches on this … stay tuned.
How about you? How important is awareness to you?