Musing About Awareness

Awareness_SmallIf awareness is half the recovery battle (the other half being the change that ensues), then what is it when you are aware that your behavior isn’t helping any, and you know it, but continue to do it?

I hate to admit it, but lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in this cycle where I’m waking and eating again on autopilot (not every night, but all too often), which means I’m eating more than I need to be eating … and then exercising the next day to “undo” the damage.

It’s that disordered brain coming back, and I don’t like it one bit.  I can’t even blame it on anxiety or stress … this has been a very relaxing and fun summer, good on both personal and professional levels … so what gives?!

I’m not over-exercising (nothing excessive, I promise) — just as a result, not taking days off when I could benefit from them (the mental break, if nothing else) … or forcing myself to go when I honestly don’t  feel like it.

Yes, this is disordered thinking. Yes, it’s disordered behavior. And yes, I can choose to break the cycle (like I chose to stop chewing and spitting). 

But no, I’m just not doing it. Is this maybe just a stage of rebellion? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tapped from trying so hard and not seeing results because of self-sabatoge.

All I know for sure (to quote Oprah) is that this madness has got to stop. It’s not just about the weight; it’s much deeper than that. It’s my sense of self that is suffering, and my head needs to be screwed on right.

I need to take my awareness to that next level, I need to step up to the plate. Tomorrow’s post (written before this one) kind of touches on this … stay tuned.

How about you? How important is awareness to you?

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4 thoughts on “Musing About Awareness

  1. It’s excellent that you’re aware! That’s the first step. Do you have any pre-conceived plan for how to counteract these behaviors once the awareness sets in? Just being aware, while a step in the right direction, is exactly that–a STEP. Have you a plan in mind to reach the top of the proverbial “steps”? To overcome the emotional urges?

    Ps. How long have you been off the pill? Are hormones still playing a role in this? Have you tried having a small snack before bed (combo of fats and protein work well for satiety…eg PB and yogurt/chocolate milk) Lastly, please don’t take this the wrong way and feel free to totally disregard, but are you and your husband engaging in sexual activity? From experience, it knocks me right out and I sleep like a baby afterwards! Hehe sorry if its too much info. I say it with the best of intentions! =)

  2. Thanks, Lorrie. I need to do some CBT techniques for when the urges hit. When I wake at midnight, I’m not thinking rationally. I’m on autopilot, so I need to figure something. I slept through the night last night. 🙂

    I’ve been off for three months and yes, my period is due this week so that makes sense–I always wake more when it’s coming.

    LOL – agreed!! Falling asleep is never the problem, regardless of what the night holds 😉 … it’s STAYING asleep/not waking.

  3. For me, being aware of the issue but not doing what I need to do to stop it usually means I truly don’t wan’t to change that behavior for whatever reason. Might be a subconcious thing or something deep down inside. I used to blame it on lack of willpower but through therapy realized I really was a making a choice not to make the change.

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