“… But I Don’t Wanna…!

How I'm feeling ...
How I'm feeling ...
Giving more thought to yesterday’s all-over-the-place post, I’m realizing what it comes down to is this: I hate the thought of “dieting” to lose weight.

To quote my two-year old self, “I don’t wanna!”

“Dieting” goes against everything I felt about Weight Watchers; I always told people “it’s a way of life” and tried to make the distinction at every opportunity.

The truth is, if I’m going to cut 500 calories a day to lose a pound a week, I would much rather do it through exercise like I do now.

However unrealistic it is, I’d rather work out hard every single day for the rest of my life — than “diet” or not give in to momentary cravings/impulses/desires.

And that is what’s hurting me, what I’m eating … even though it’s journaled, even though it’s measured … it’s still too much — especially since I’ve been eating some of my activity points as of late.

It’s too much to lose.

Deep down, I know exercise isn’t my problem; it never has been my weakness on the weight loss spectrum. I’ve never had trouble fitting it in (I still have trouble with taking rest days — though I did yesterday — whoo hoo!).

But that luxury of time won’t necessarily exist forever, and I do realize that … which is why I need to get the food aspect under grips, even though I’m resisting it every inch of the way.

It’s really that I’m still eating too much — or not the right things — to lose. I don’t mind journaling, and I don’t mind exercising. But I DO mind living literally obsessed about food.

I know what I need to do, and I just hate the thought of really cutting back, deliberately cutting back. And I need to do it.

That said, the most probable/easiest solution is really just not buying triggers at all. The junk foods I used to chew and spit … I eat a little of now. Well, it’s not wholesome, it’s not fuel and it’s not fun.

I’d much rather save up for dinner/dessert out with my girls (i.e., tonight :)) or a birthday party (this coming weekend for my hubby) than waste calories or points on impulses, alone, during the day.

But it’s hard to remember that or think that way in the moment. (Can anyone else relate?!)

I am, whether I want to admit it or not, an emotional eater. Not a binger, but an emotional eater, for sure.

I don’t have the answers, but I got some good advice in yesterday’s comments from Lara, which helped put things in perspective.

Along those lines, I am so glad so many of you can/did relate to my post yesterday. It means a lot to know we’re not alone.

Thanks, as always, for continuining with me through my triumphs and tribulations.

And cheers for a better, healthier day!

How about you? How do you handle when your toddler voice/thoughts dominates your adult voice/thoughts?

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20 thoughts on ““… But I Don’t Wanna…!

  1. you are too obsessed with numbers, counting, measuring, activity points. What are you really hungry for? Love? attention? You need to focus on how your body feels, not the numbers. I recommend stop counting and just tune into your body. Your body is fighting back against all the restraints…. You should read Geneen Roth books and Intuitive Eating–it’s the only way we were intended to eat…..when we’re physically hungry and stop when we’re satisfied… your posts sound like disordered eating in disguise…the constant obsession with food and overexercising… Trust your body’s hunger cues, you won’t be let down. Eat 3 healthy, balanced meals a day and snacks in case you get hungry… Point is, your body is smarter than you think… Give it what it really needs…. A vacation? A back rub? Some deep breathing? **Set a goal to eliminate the goal of weight loss** you need to solely focus on improving your relationship with your body and food. Identify a behavior to replace emotional eating….take a walk, read a book, talk on the phone….no skipping meals…do something enjoyable each day. Love yourself.

  2. Though I usually dislike anonymous commenters because I think each person should stand up and believe in what they are saying, I have to agree with the comment. I have been following your blog since in’t inception and feel like you are heading backwards instead of forwards. What you eat and how you move isn’t what is in need of healing, it is your relationship with your body and your ability to cope with emotions. What are your needs, deep down primal needs? Are they being met? Figuring out what you are truly hungry for is the only way to be happy, no matter what the number on the scale or inside your skirt is.

  3. Yes…Once you stop forbidding foods is when you’ll be free. Make no food off limits; allow yourself what your body craves. You can eat what you want…Just don’t overindulge. When you have “forbidden” foods, you are more likely to overeat them. Eat what you are hungry for and stop when you feel full….it sounds easy but it is difficult and requires diligence. however …it sounds like you are emotional eating for a reason… what’s on your mind?

  4. Anonymous, thank you for your insight/tough love but remember, this IS a disordered eating recovery blog, so if it seems “a disguise” it is what it is; it’s a recovery blog and it’s not always pretty. I think I’ve been clear that this is an internal battle and I’m open to judgment here as I blog about it … if you’ve been following my blog, you’d know I have read many Geneen Roth books/articles as well as IE. This is a journey, not a quick fix. And I’m well-aware of that. I don’t talk calories, points, or specifics here on my blog. But it’s been part of my life for five years and doesn’t just go away.

    Christie, thank you for your input … I’m sorry if it appears I’m taking steps back; I think for the most part it’s been quite the opposite and I’m going through a rough patch internally. Sometimes I can subscribe to the “fake it til you make it” mantra, but not always. I am also hormonal, which very well could be part of it.

    Lorrie, I don’t look at foods as “off-limits” — I just try to make good choices most of the time. When I say emotional eater, I mean more impulse buyer which leads to an impulse eat, still within WW parameters … I guess I should have made that clear. The emotion can be anything … happy, sad, angry, stressed, anxious.

    One of the downsides of blogging is we open ourselves up to be judged by what we share — and there’s plenty else that no one sees/knows … I’m just being honest here about how I feel today, in this moment.

    I might feel differently tomorrow … but it is what it is.

    1. This is a long road, an ongoing journey, and something that we live with. It’s hard, taxing both mentally and phyically, and awfully time consuming if you ask me. I lived half of my life with an eating disorder, fooled myself into thinking I had chosen recovery, only to look back and realize that I never let fully go. Always kept it close by in my back pocket. There if I needed it to “make me feel better” or better yet, “punish myself”. Even when we think we have overcome, it resurfaces in the slightest ways and attempts to regain control. SOmetimes its there even when you truely believe its not. The hardest part is admitting that.
      My challenge for you would be to just re-read the comment by anonymous and think. You do not need to defend yourself in a reply , just think. Try not to justify your behaviors. That is the disorder talking. My guess is that you took offense to what was said because its true. Its true in most. Numbers and obsessions suck but often that is what gets us in trouble. So, just re read and process , take a deep breath and cry if you need to . This is a long hard battle and it hurts even more when you realize that it hounts in many ways. The first step is admitting that.
      I wish you all the best.

  5. My toddler voice has been loud and strong lately. “I don’t wanna” count points. I “don’t wanna” work out. And you know? I’ve been going with it. If I can think like a toddler, I can eat like a toddler. Eat what I want, when I want, and the key? Just as much as I need. Toddlers eat til they’re satisfied and not a bite more. They don’t stuff themselves; if they want a bite of something, they have a bite of something. They stop when they’re done.
    So, I’m going to be a toddler… for now πŸ™‚

  6. I love you Mara, that was awesome!! πŸ™‚ And actually not so bad for a way of thinking, either. πŸ™‚

  7. You don’t have to apologize to me for my opinion.

    I think that we are all telling you the same thing we are just using different words. Eating like a toddler is exactly what intuitive eating is but in order to get to that point, you have to stop using food as a mechanism to cope with your emotions. I encourage you to read the post “the IE misconception” on my blog.

    I have been on this journey of eating intuitively for two years and have had my times of going back to dieting and no matter what the WW slogan is, it is dieting. Using points or a list is using outside signals to control your food intake and is just another diet. Just as eating any time other than hunger is emotional. Whether it is taste hunger or to avoid emotions.

  8. I read your post and really liked it, Christy. I am going to link to it in my next post.

    I know deep down that that’s true … it’s still a form of controlling. I ought to be able to do it on my own without those parameters. I just flip-flop about it b/c it goes against my nature. I like parameters! But they’re not working for me, either.

  9. Lissa, I am glad you enjoyed my post. I am very passionate about intuitive eating, if you can’t already tell πŸ˜€ It has sincerely changed my life and I am so much happier today than I was two years ago when I started. I have a sense of peace that I didn’t know was possible. I stopped fighting with food and in return, my heart sings.

  10. It truly is a journey. It takes time and like others said above the “IE” approach really is such a great way to approach food, hunger, life…WW is a diet, no doubt about it. I think for many people, having a limit of how much we can eat makes us think of food more and more.

    The thing with exercise to make the deficit is… it just does not work. Studies have proven this to be true. There was another one not that long ago I read in the NYT. You dont’ really know how much you are burning and like I said yesterday the body finds a way to make up for it through excess hunger, altered hormones (that impact fat metabolism), fatigue that causes you to move less in general the rest of the day (NEAT). You really can’t do it without the food part and bottom line is most of us who struggle with weight are eating too much. We have lost touch with hunger and satisfaction cues.

  11. πŸ™‚ I hope to get there. I’m sure that is the next logical step for me. I have a post coming at lunchtime that touches on all this.

    It’s true, Lara. And it DOES make me think of it more and more. I know I think about food WAY more now than I did when I was heavy – I ate more intuitively then, just the wrong things! Now I know what to eat … and it’s an obsession.

    I know, it’s like 90% about food and only like 10% about exercise. I wish I could wrap my brain around it. I want it to be scientifically easy and make sense, but it doesn’t.

    I absolutely agree I’ve lost touch with hunger queues … and if I gave myself permission to enjoy food more, maybe I’d have satisfaction queues in the first place!!

  12. I will be very honest…I’m not proud to say that I lost the weight I’d gained by counting calories. I mean, I know there are worse things and counting cals works for MANY – but for me, I know it teeters on the border of ED (given my history). Yes, it worked. But does a part of me wish I’d just learn how to eat intuitively and been more patient with the weight loss? Absolutely.

    I still have foods I can’t buy because I know I’ll eat them in one night (most kinds of cereal, ice cream, candy….). I WISH more than anything I could have them in my house and learn how to NOT binge around those foods, but the fact of the matter is, I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? I guess I don’t know…but I can only do what works for me right now in the present.

    My point is (so long-winded today, Hol!) that counting cals can lead people down a destructive path – SOMEtimes. I know you know that, though. On the other hand, if you think cutting back might make a difference, it is definitely worth trying.

    I hope that makes sense. I’m kind of all over the place, too. πŸ™‚

  13. I really enjoy your blog and how open you are about your journey. I was overweight in high school when I was 19 my best friend went on WW. She told me all about points. I started going to the meetings and thought it was the best thing ever. It was back when they had the ten percent thing going on. I remember losing about 18 lbs. I was OBSESSED with points though and I didn’t realize it. My mom saw my progress and started doing WW. She didn’t do it for long because she said “I can’t do this because I am so consumed with counting points and how I can make a meal in the point range that I can’t think of anything but food which makes me hungry. I didn’t think about food this much but now I do.” I couldn’t help but agree with her. I was feeling the same way. I ended up getting a cold where I couldn’t eat much but soup and lost some weight. I decided to keep up losing weight by exercising and eating less. What was for dinner was for dinner but I slower and when I was full I was done. I lost about 40 lbs doing that. When my boyfriend and I started to live together I started gaining weight because I was eating what he ate and eating when I wasn’t hungry just to be social with him. After 8 years of keeping that weight off I gained it all back plus five. He didn’t care and he still loved me. I didn’t like my body that way though. I decided to lose it by exercising and listening to my bodies urge for food. I don’t think about what I am going to eat. I get home and figure it out. I bring enough food to work so depending on my hunger I can eat until I am full. Some weeks I eat more then others and gain a pound or two, but I found that naturally without trying the next week I go back down a couple. I lost 50 lbs doing this. I hope you find what works for you.

  14. Thank you, and thanks for sharing your story, Alis. Congrats on your success, and I hope you’re right — I hope I find what works for me.

    Hi Auntie :0)

  15. I can absolutely 100% relate to this. Although I am also a binger. This seems to be brought on more at the very thought of controlling my food to lose weight.

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