All the same, something that became abundantly clear to me as I read the comments the past two days is that I do need to break free from numbers … at least for a little bit.
The irony is that journaling/weighing/measuring is what helped me lose in the first place … but all signs seem to point to me needing to take a step back and finally trust myself a little more. Perhaps re-reading Intuitive Eating wouldn’t be such a bad thing …
(Here’s my review of IE from last August, actually … was refreshing to read it today.)
You do realize this notion of not journaling scares the bejeesus out of me, don’t you? But it’s time. It’s been a long time coming, in fact.
Mara said it best when she said she was using the whole “toddler” thing to her advantage:
“My toddler voice has been loud and strong lately. “I don’t wanna” count points. I “don’t wanna” work out. And you know? I’ve been going with it. If I can think like a toddler, I can eat like a toddler. Eat what I want, when I want, and the key? Just as much as I need. Toddlers eat til they’re satisfied and not a bite more. They don’t stuff themselves; if they want a bite of something, they have a bite of something. They stop when they’re done. So, I’m going to be a toddler… for now.”
That was just awesome, Mara — thank you. I never would have thought of it that way, that thinking like a toddler could actually be a positive.
It’s not going to be easy, especially because I like journaling (personal and food) but I’m going to make a commitment to go at least food journal-free for a few days. I might go blog-free, too — we’ll see.
Starting today, I won’t write or journal anything. I’ll do this experiment through the weekend, and then reassess how I feel on Monday.
If I don’t feel up to exercising, I won’t force myself to go to the gym or work out. Maybe working out less will help me reset my hunger queues.
I’ve been giving P90X a rest this week — and am not sure I’ll pick it up again for the last three weeks of the program; been feeling ambivalent about it and it feels like a time-drain lately. (For strength training, I’d rather Shred with Jillian ;-))
Ultimately, I need to figure out what works for ME, Melissa. I know the ropes and ins and outs of what to do and how to do it, and it’s time I trust myself … just a couple days can’t hurt.
I think on some subconscious level I’ve been using journaling and my spreadsheets as a crutch, as “proof” –a way to say “Look, here’s the evidence, I should be losing! Look!”
But maybe like my husband says (not in relation to this, but other things) maybe I just need to have faith … faith in myself … Because the hard evidence isn’t really showing me what I want to see, anyway.
I think it’ll be a good challenge timing-wise, too. My monthly visitor should be arriving (I usually have less of an appetite during TOM).
And on the fun, social side–we’re hosting my hubby’s 31st birthday bash at our house Saturday (love parties!), and then Sunday we’ll probably go out to celebrate his actual birthday.
Knowing him as well as I do, and what he wants for me, what he’s always wanted for me (to be happy, to love myself as I am, as he sees me), the best birthday gift I could give to him would be a weekend where he doesn’t sense me preoccupied with food, where he sees me order what I really want versus what I feel I “should” have, where I easily sip a glass of wine and enjoy dessert — where I’m just “me” without the tacit (but obvious) label of disordered eater.
I want to give him that, but above all, I want to give myself that. I think it’s about time, and maybe this whining session was exactly what I needed.
So thank you … I appreciate the constructive criticism; it helps jolt me. And reading Christie’s post on Intutive Eating Misconceptions was helpful. (You can read it here).
More than anything, I would like to be at peace, for these voices inside my head to be quiet.
I really believe recovery — like life — is a work in progress. And I’ll keep trying … or maybe in this case, “trying” a little less and living a little more. Maybe that will help quiet the noise.