Can’t Win ‘Em All

windingpathOne thing therapy confirmed for me (as if I didn’t know) is that I’m a perfectionist by nature, and I don’t like to do the wrong thing or get in trouble.

Which is why my disordered eating behavior baffled me so much, yet at the same time, made so much sense: it was my rebellion, my way to act out … but it was against myself.

Note I am using past tense? I don’t mean to imply I’m out of the woods; just that it’s been over seven weeks now without a chew/spit incident and I am really proud of it. I plan to keep it up.

Anyway, I told you a few weeks ago that I got pulled over and had gotten a speeding ticket on April Fool’s Day. It was a good reminder to me to “slow it down,” for sure.

But still, it killed me to get in trouble with the law. And so in hopes of not having a ticket on my record, I decided to try to contest the ticket.

Truthfully, I was hoping for the officer not to show. I mean, I knew I’d been going faster than I’d thought, but I was hoping to explain my way out of it … and I knew if he didn’t show, the infraction would be waived and my record would remain clean.

Well, yesterday was my court date.

The officer showed (not in uniform, but rather in plain-clothes), spoke, and I lost. Fortunately, my husband was there to calm me before-hand and to keep me company (otherwise, I seriously might have cried!) but I still didn’t like losing.

The thing is, I was wrong, and so the punishment (fine/points on my license) are a good lesson for me about being more aware when I’m driving … when I’m doing anything, really.

It’s true, we can’t win ’em all. And though I didn’t beat this speeding ticket, I do feel like I’m making progress each day on my winding path of recovery. I’m working at my own pace, and I think that is helping keep me in line.

I want this, and I’m fighting for it. Today I had a brief moment where I considered chewing and spitting (after my hearing) but I remembered how awful I’d feel afterwards, and ended up nixing the thought before it became an action.

One day at a time …

8 thoughts on “Can’t Win ‘Em All

  1. Thank you for sharing this journey.
    I have followed a path eerily similar to yours – I’m now three and half weeks binge-free and everytime I see your blog pop up in Google Reader I read it first because we have much in common.
    From one Type A learning to take things in stride to another, I say THANK YOU!!

  2. One day at a time indeed! I’m so happy for you staying strong. And I can obviously relate to this “perfectionist” mindset. I think the farther I’ve come and the more I’ve experienced in recovery the more I’ve come to understand this aspect of myself. I’m really HARD on myself. And accepting less than perfect (especially in school) is a tough concept for me to grasp, but I’m working on it. Thank you for this post today!!

  3. wow, you should be so proud for avoiding the c/s behavior! you’re inspiring. :o)

    what kinds of self-talk do you go through at those weak times??

  4. Thanks, Julie!!

    Yesterday I told myself if I was going to take a bite of the Luna bar that I’d found in my car, I had to swallow it. I was very tempted not to … but the self-talk was, “You’re using food as a coping mechanism … you know it. But don’t abuse it.”

    So I ate it, and then just balanced out the rest of my day later by not having something else I might have wanted last night.

    I’m trying to rationalize things as they happen, vs in retrospect.

    Truthfully, if I’d done a good job at self-talk, I wouldn’t have even considered eating it at all … but I did. And I did NOT c/s 🙂

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