Every so often this conversation arises, and the more time that passes, the harder it gets to answer because I, myself, question this very notion.
Some days I am so sure I am doing the right thing here — sharing my experiences, offering a sounding board for others who are experiencing similar challenges, creating a community for like-minded people who also want to recover/get better.
But then other days I feel like I am just going in circles, not making progress, just rehashing the same scenarios time and time again as they occur.
In fact, I often wonder if I am hindering my own growth potential when I spend time in the weeds instead of in the field … or possibly hindering someone else’s when all they read about is my set-backs.
The truth is, I am at a tipping point. Ultimately, the only person who can decide if it’s helping is me. I feel a strong sense of ownership in that I love to write and maintain my blog, and the topic is clearly something I am passionate about.
Yet I realize writing about these issues very well could be fueling my disorder even further, in that I am still talking about it and thinking about it … and have surrounded myself with people who understand/empathize (or disagree and share their feelings with me offline).
We all know community can be helpful for so many reasons … but also potentially dangerous if it becomes something one is so deeply entrenched in that it’s hard to remove oneself from; it can become cultish, and that’s something I don’t want to see happen.
I DO want to get better, and I want to help others get better, too. And that means literally making a conscious decision every single day to make the right choices and to get better.
This very well might mean taking a break from blogging … while I focus on taking control of my own actions and choices. I’m not sure what I will do just yet, but all options are on the table as I ponder my next steps, my “what now?,” my action item, if you will.
Because the truth is, though through therapy I’ve changed many of my thoughts, I haven’t necessarily changed my behavior. And so one could argue I haven’t made much quantifiable/tangible progress with CBT, because I still exhibit OCD tendencies related to food/exercise. (I’m also aware they don’t dissipate overnight).
I mean, I’m very aware of why it might appear that therapy and blogging might not have helped as well as they could have … yet I do see some positives that have come from blogging and therapy.
True, I still sometimes chew and spit. But I do have a level of awareness I didn’t have a year ago, and it’s far less often and compulsive a habit than it was a year ago.
I sometimes over-exercise. But I do it much less often, and have been much better about listening to my body.
I still don’t love my body. But I have learned to appreciate it for what it does for me, and am trying to treat it better each day.
The bottom line is, I began this blog and therapy to help me recover and to help others along the way. That mission hasn’t changed.
What has perhaps changed in the past week or so is that I also don’t want to lose sight of what’s most important, and that is finding strength in myself … in my ability to make decisions and stick to them, to know myself and my potential.
To be confident that I can be in the driver’s seat of my recovery, versus viewing myself as a victim … something I’ve been feeling like lately.
I am taking Wednesday as a “Blackout Day,” as I noted in a previous post. And I hope to be back later this week with an update on my next steps as a blogger.
Until then, I need to do some soul searching. I don’t want to keep going round and round in circles; I want to make real, tangible progress. Not perfection, but measurable progress.
And I believe I can do it because ultimately, we ARE in control of our destinies. It’s just taken me a long time to see it that way, that I AM in more control than I sometimes want to give myself credit for.
I might be wondering the logistics of the “now what?” but I do know the direction I want to go in, and that is the direction of progress. I hope you’ll join me.