Lately I’ve felt as though I’ve been grasping for straws trying to get my life in order after a fall/early winter spent in much disarray.
I’ve noticed a correlation between body happiness and overall happiness/contentment/sense of order. Right now, I’m not in that body-love mode, and so my life feels “chaotic.”
Between my marriage, friendships/family, social life, work, blogging, the gym, and now my Lia Sophia business on the side as well as upcoming personal training sessions, I am going to have quite a bit on my plate — certainly not as much as my friends who are working moms, or those with a new baby, or my husband who is working full-time and getting his MBA part-time. But plenty to keep me occupied, and hopefully distracted from disordered eating behaviors/issues.
On the flipside, I asked for it, have made the strides to do something for me … and I am going to embrace it.
As a Libra, I’m constantly on the search for balance. And I never seem to get there. The truth is, I need a breather … a moment to step back and reassess what’s important, who I want to be. A moment to “slow it down” as Dr. G. talked about in my first therapy session.
My goal for 2009 was to be the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend I could be. I don’t think I’m measuring up, but there’s still time to change things.
Lately, I find myself doing things too quickly, not thinking before speaking … all the things I’ve been working on, either therapy or from reading Beck’s book … And it’s like I’ve been ignoring those voices in favor of the “other” voice.
The voice that tell me, “You definitely need to burn X calories every day.” (And then I end up twice as hungry the following day).
The voice that tells me “I don’t need a proper dinner” because I’m done for the day cal-wise (And then I end up eating 300-400 calories of peanut butter when I should have had a proper meal!)
(Yea, I admit it, this week, I’ve been counting calories towards the next day on Sparkpeople. Journaling for the day ahead is something I am making a promise to myself to stop doing on Friday, since I am way over for the week at this point from having done that).
If I just slowed it down and listened to my body, after 45-50 minutes, I’d be done with my workout (like last night), instead of punishing myself like I did last week with extra-long workouts to “make up for” four days off.
If I just ate dinner and “went over” my cal count for the day, so what? I’d be treating my body with respect, dignity … not ODing on peanut butter or pretzels!
If I went into Walgreen’s and walked out with just what I deliberately, consciously went in for (say, Halls cough drops, or Diet Coke or a prescription) maybe I wouldn’t end up chewing and spitting candy in my car. If I “slowed it down,” I (shudder at the novelness of the thought!) …. might not do it at all.
On this journey, I’m learning that the disordered behaviors just pop up, even when I try to keep them at bay. When I’m feeling stressed, weak, tired … I lose my mojo. So much of my disordered eating issues are mental, in my head.
And I don’t think I’m alone in this.
Sometimes I just get overly-excited or emotional, and lose track of the present moment.
Last night, for example, I was soooo stoked to use my new KitchenAid mixer (what did I do without it before?!), and right as I put the last batch of flour in, I was feeling so good and I guess got over-excited with how wonderful my baking session was going.
I turned the speed up just a smidge, and suddenly there was flour EVERYWHERE. Including all over my black North Face fleece I was wearing. Lovely mess to clean up, really! Granted, flour all over my kitchen isn’t a tragedy, but if I’d remembered Dr. G.’s words about “slowing it down” maybe I would have realized the speed was too fast.
That said, the cookie bars look absolutely divine and I hope everyone at my Lia Sophia starter show tomorrow digs them, too!!
For this weekend in particular, I’m really going to try to focus on those three words, “Slow it Down.” No one needs to lead a frenetic lifestyle 24/7. Eventually, something has to give.
Yes, I’m anxious by nature. But I need to be capitalizing on it … not feel frustrated by my hardware. By taking gradual steps to “slow it down” I think I can eventually find that balance I so desire.
And in the meantime, I’m extremely grateful for my support network.
How about you? Are you struggling with slowing it down lately? Do you feel like all your ducks are in a row, or are you running around trying to catch them? Where are you emotionally?