Today’s a confessional post. No, it’s not about midnight eating — I’ve been in the clear for a while.
I am struggling with my journaling on Sparkpeople. Not the act of journaling — I’m a pro at that. But rather about a pickle I’ve gotten myself into. See, my caloric range is 1270-1570. Not terrible, provided I stick to it; it’s a perfectly acceptable range and most days, totally do-able.
I’ve discovered on WW I was eating too much to lose. I lose when I’m in the 1400-1500 range with my usual exercise (which would be basically WW target points plus a couple Flex) but the past two weeks, after a kick-ass first week back on Sparkpeople, I’ve simply not been able to get it together.
What I mean is, I had one high day two weeks ago, and I’ve been “buying calories” for the next day ever since … Technically this isn’t cheating, as I am not going above my limit for the week, but it’s cheating because I am not in my range that one day.
And I gained last week — the same 1.4 I’d lost the previous week. Sure, it could have been a fluke (I hadn’t weighed in all week and didn’t this weekend, either) but I am sure eating at the high end of my range isn’t helping me any.
I seem to have one high day and it sets the tone for the rest of the week … or in this case, two weeks. And then this is what happens: I feel deprived knowing I am stuck dealing with 1000 calories basically … so I eat more than that (because I work out and am genuinely hungry) and just dock from the next day, etc, etc.
And then I find myself in a chew-and-spit cycle because I am often hungry but don’t want to go over my allotment … so it’s a vicious merry-go-round.
Last night was Superbowl Sunday. We went to a friends’ house and had a blast. Unfortunately, I was already in the hole by 400 calories at the start of the day, and then I had a healthy brunch (PB and grapes pre-gym; 1 egg/3 whites, Thomas Light, apple post-gym, and then carrots and cocoa w/FF ReddiWhip for a snack) … but later did some chew-and-spit (I pin-pointed the anxiety to knowing how in the hole I was and fearing being genuinely hungry at the party).
So the chew-and-spit docked another 200 (I figure 10% of what I spit has to be counted … there has to be some calories, right?) As a result of poor planning all week/weekend, I went to the party with 0 in today’s bank, which meant anything I consumed would have to go towards Monday.
There were the usual snacks … and I didn’t eat anything except celery and Diet Coke (red alert!) for the first few hours, because I just didn’t want to be in the hole yet again.
But then by 8, I was starving … and despite our plan to leave at half-time, we were having a ton of fun with our friends, and so we stayed. I found myself eating things I rarely do, out of pure hunger: Tostitos, BBQ chips, Wheat Thins. Not RF anything; all the real deal. And then I picked the M&Ms out of six cookies (didn’t eat the cookies).
So that was about 300 calories worth of M&Ms, plus 400 calories of snacks. No protein, no healthy fat … just salt, carbs, sugar. Crap I didn’t need. Crap that makes my rings tight, my jeans feel snug … clearly, I won’t dare get on the scale for a couple days.
Yes, it was a party, and I had fun. But food-wise, I ate things that simply aren’t “worth it” to me … I’d much rather have spent 700 calories on a mocha and a delicious slice of cheesecake or carrot cake … not snacks I could find in my own pantry or at the grocery store.
And so now I am 700 calories in the hole for today (Monday). My goal is to eat lightly (but reasonably) to catch up. I don’t plan to do anything drastic — will just skip my cocoa/FF ReddiWhip and keep lunch carb-and-salt free.
I know what you’re probably thinking. “Oh my God, she’s obsessing about food. It’s just a party!” And ok, I am obsessing and it was just a party. The thing is, if I were just following Points, I wouldn’t be so concerned about these calories — it’s just be Flex points. But I know I can’t lose weight eating all of them. I just can’t.
And now my Mexico goal seems further and further away, thanks to self-sabatoge. I know my mistakes: wasting calories on foods I don’t even really want … and chewing-and-spitting for the past few days. It ruins my week; I will not do it today … I gave myself permission to do it last week because it was a stressful week, but I have no stress to speak of this week.
Especially because I’m going home to NJ this Thursday-Sunday to visit my family (first time home since April) and I cannot wait to see them and to be in my parents’ house for a little bit. I need the next three days to be clean, so I can go home feeling good, not berating myself.
And so I have shared my story of the weekend and am moving on. Not dwelling any more than this post, but the thing is, I don’t always have good days and to pretend I do is silly. I’m honest here, even if it’s to a fault.
Truth be told, I’m once again struggling with my weight and my body image, and it doesn’t help when I have an experience like this past weekend.
I want to feel good and healthy … and that means drinking lots of water today, getting in a moderate workout (not aiming for X calories), living up to my potential, being kind to my body, and fueling it well — treating it with dignity.
That means not chewing and spitting, which is truly my Achille’s heel. I let it go all week/weekend, but today … the buck stops here.
How about you? How can you be kind to your body today, especially if you had a tough weekend?