Winter’s on its way, and my clothes are a little snug and not looking as great as they could lately …
Clothes-shopping this weekend was tough. Fun with my friends, of course, but though I found some cute tops, the extra weight (ok, inch) I’m carrying on my hips at the moment made it hard for me to be excited about trying on jeans; they didn’t lay right.
As luck would have it, the Joe’s jeans I really wanted, they didn’t have in the right color (though the size fit — they were too light; I am on the hunt for a darker pair).
Naturally, trying on unflattering clothes make me feel bad about my figure, even though rationally I know I shouldn’t be obsessed with my body or my weight.But hell, I’ve already admitted to you all here that I’ve not been loving how I feel in my own skin lately, vanity aside.
Sometimes these feelings just won’t go away.
So this weekend, I had the realization that I do need to cut back a little if I want to re-reach my happy, healthy goal weight.
Not through obsessively working out like in the past, not obsessively cutting calories or carbs like many people end up doing for a quick fix (I don’t believe in quick fixes when it comes to weight). Rather, I hope to do it using the tools I already have plus a little extra diligence.
I do know what works: I need to follow Weight Watchers without eating my Activity Points to get back to 145, my happy-healthy-maintainable goal weight. At my heaviest, I could eat them and lose, but I simply can’t anymore.
So here it is, I’m laying it out on the proverbial table. As of this weekend, I’m about 8 pounds above my (re)goal of 145. Yup, I admitted it, I put it out there. A number. Just a number. Not my self-worth, not my dignity. A number. A number that, rationally, could change tomorrow based on the amount of sodium I consume or the amount of liquid in my body.
In spite of my weight, I still wear 6s and 8s. My tops are still smalls and mediums. I’m not fat, I’m not even overweight for my height or build, and no one but me can probably see the weight (my husband thinks I look beautiful as I am; I don’t think he’d notice any pounds — but I do).
I think in some ways I’m lucky; though I had never been thin or even “normal” before Weight Watchers — I just joined and it worked like a glove; 35 lbs. came off in 8 months. It was my first — and only — attempt at losing weight. I never yo-yoed, I never crash-dieted.
But now, 4.5 years later, I have been fluctuating between 148-153 for two years now and struggling to get back to 145. Yet my comfy weight for my body is 143- 145, where I was the two years prior. So 145ish is good for me (I’m not tossing out an arbitrary number; I know this because it’s where I maintained originally after not being able to stay in the low 140s.)
I’m four years older now, but I know in my heart it’s a perfectly rational, reasonable goal, and that I’ve been coasting for the past few years without much effort to lose this weight again, just half-assed attempts. Still journaling, still working out, but not with the same gusto.
(And I don’t want to go down the OCD track — so this blog is not going to turn into a weight-loss blog; I just wanted to let you all know where I am standing these days and why it’s bothering me.)
The thing is, I know that those few pounds actually will make a difference in how my clothes fit, so it’s important to me from that stand-point. I still want another pair of Joe’s and hey, if it takes an incentive to do it … so be it. It’ll be all the more sweeter if I “earn” them (the way I “earned” my Citizens December 2004, my first pair of high-end jeans).
So here’s my promise: I’m giving myself til the end of the year to attempt to get back below 150, and then will give up the race by March if I can’t get back to goal. (In March we go to a wedding in Oaxaca, Mexico, so it’s another tangible goal).
I’m calling this second attempt at weight loss Weight Loss 2.0 (an upgraded version of the first), and if by March I’m not there, I will honestly give up trying to lose and just accept my body as it is. I don’t see myself ever eating poorly or giving up exercise; I just mean I’ll really try to focus on acceptance then if things haven’t changed.
Funny, but this weekend I honestly didn’t think of food much. I didn’t forget to eat, but I didn’t wake and eat. I ate balanced, healthy meals. I didn’t obsess, and still got in great workouts. I enjoyed a day at the mall with my girlfriends Saturday and a day home and then out shopping with my husband on Sunday.
All in all, I’d consider this weekend — and it’s lack of obsession (just observation) a success. And a great jump-start for the weekend.
How about you? Do you have any upcoming goals, professional or personal, that you’d like to share?