My senior year, our team won a bid to the Universal Cheerleading Association’s Nationals competition in Orlando, Florida. It was a dream come true, and though we didn’t come close to placing, we had heart and determination that no one could deny.
One cheer that we used to use all the time as a get-psyched/get-pepped chant was:
“You’ve got to want it, to win it, to take it to the limit.
To take it to the limit, you want it and you win it.”
Yesterday, while chatting with a friend, something struck me: all this time I’ve been seeking to “win it” (weight loss battle, disordered eating issues, equating being thin = happy) when suddenly it hit me that maybe I won a long time ago; maybe I’m already a winner?!
I have an amazing and devoted husband, a fabulous family and support system of friends, a fantastic career, a house that is truly ours, and two degrees. I’m a demon at the gym, am physically healthy, and am learning to deal with anxiety and disordered eating issues …
Really, what more am I looking for to be happy with myself? A couple nagging pounds?! Will that really make a difference?
Moreover, I’ve looked this way (more or less) for over four years now. I haven’t yo-yoed the way so many people do (in that I never got heavy again). Yes, I’ve gained a little, but I haven’t changed drastically. I can still wear (most) of my clothes.
So here’s the rub: I’m constantly torn between the notion of being happy where I am, with these extra pounds … or encouraging myself to try just a little harder.
I’m not someone who gives up … ever. In fact, I’m quite relentless, persistent, seeking the “A,” the approval. According to Dr. G., it’s part of what has made me a good student and a good employee. It’s a positive side to being anxious, being a perfectionist. And everyone says once I stop obsessing about my weight or body, I’ll lose weight.
So would accepting myself as I am be giving up prematurely?
Or would it be embracing the “me” I am and the success I’ve found already?
My fear is today I feel like I’m a winner and tomorrow I might feel like I’m not there quite yet … and I am putting it out there, here, in the blogosphere … that I really don’t know which path to follow.
How about you? What do you think about this notion of “already being a winner”?