My boyfriend at the time (now-husband) was overseas so he missed my entire transformation and saw me at 150, which was a shock, and then three months later at goal at 140, and he couldn’t believe what he saw. I was a new “me.” The ten-pound difference between the two weights was startling. For my build, I wasn’t just thin…I was downright skinny compared to my former self.
And with this new “me” came some things I didn’t anticipate, and didn’t read about or even understand till I was experiencing it and in too deep. (Cue: scary “disordered eating” music, if such music exists).
Yes, I was at goal, but 140 didn’t feel “good enough” to me. I wanted 135. I wanted to be trimmer, leaner, fitter. I wasn’t starving myself and I wasn’t going crazy at the gym, but then something in my brain snapped.
Suddenly food and exercise became my everything. I would qualify food as good or bad, and eat something “bad” and then hit the gym to “make up for it” or punish myself, ravaged by feelings of guilt, like this body was on loan and if I didn’t exercise one day or didn’t eat well, I’d get fat overnight.
I’d feel victorious for skipping dessert or a shared appetizer, and empowered when I could fit in an extra workout. I’d watch others eat, knowing that their one meal would have been all my points for the day. And on vacation, I’d get up and run before everyone else was up, feeling virtuous.
Sometimes, I’d skip social functions if there would be too many temptations, or if I had a Spinning class or Body Pump session lined up. In my head, it all made perfect sense. But in reality, looking back, I see these behaviors were really the start of disordered eating, a vicious cycle that I now know can lead to clinical eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia.
My world was about to turn upside down…
My story doesn’t end here of course, but rather is a living, breathing journey. However, this background is critical to understanding how I got to where I am.
I decided to create a blog to help guide me through my own struggles with disordered eating. In the first few posts, I will pick up where I left off in this section, sharing my confusing descent into the underworld that is disordered eating: a shameful world many know and few discuss.
My story will continue here on my blog, and I hope to make positive strides and help other women struggling with similar demons to do the same.