Though I didn’t realize it til tonight, today is four weeks since Rachel passed away. I’ve been an emotional wreck all day and couldn’t figure out why.

At first, I thought  it was because I was hormonal. Then I thought it was because I went to Chicago for work yesterday and didn’t  get home til 1:30 a.m. … not exactly a hop, skip and a jump from Kalamazoo. And then I assumed my mood was due to my kids being insanely challenging this morning and evening.

But then I happened to glance at  the calendar on my desk at work, and realized it’s Wednesday … which means it’s four Wednesdays now that have passed since I lost one of my best friends and that is why I’m moody, sad, drained.

Of course. And all of it compounded and added up to me being an emotional wreck. Continue Reading »

For as tiny and petite as Maya is (still only in 25th percentile for height and weight–as she has been all her life), she has always been a good eater: very in tune with her body, hunger levels, and even thirst.  I’ve often been impressed by how intuitively she eats — telling me she isn’t hungry “yet” for snack at snack-time  …  or asking for more at dinner because she isn’t satiated.  She constantly refills her own water glass and will often choose fruit before any other option.

She amazes me, day in and day out and I pray she’s always this good an eater.

I, on the other hand, have absolutely never, ever, ever been an intuitive eater.  Never.

Oh, sure, I’ve tried … many times. And have consistently failed. Continue Reading »

For  as  grief-stricken as I am at  the sudden loss of  one of my best  friends … and for as  sad and angry and upset as I  am … life  does move  on.

It happens in little ways … like how dusk turns to dawn and again dusk, with the sun setting  and  the moon rising for  the past  eight days. Continue Reading »

the void

Grief is a crazy, hazy, bizarre thing.

I’ve lost loved ones before, but it’s been after a long illness …  never something so sudden, so implausible.

And not someone young and healthy, who was at the most wonderful place where all the stars were aligning for her:  their adoption was in progress, they had a new case worker, and everything was happening the way it should happen.

And then Wednesday, all that changed. Continue Reading »

remembering rachel

Today one of my best friends, Rachel, passed away suddenly during a routine medical procedure.

We still don’t know all the details yet of what exactly happened  — an autopsy will give those clinical details and truthfully, they don’t  matter … they can’t bring her back.

But I can tell you, my heart is broken in a million pieces. Shattered.

It was so sudden. Unexpected.

Continue Reading »

“You’re his north star.”

Four words have never summed up this stage of  parenting  as well as what my  brother  told me in Puerto Vallarta this past  week on our  annual family vacation. My brother — a  newlywed and kid-lover, but not  a  parent  himself yet — was  able to pinpoint exactly how Ben  feels  about me — MAMA — with just  those four words.

… And he’s  an “outsider” looking in! Continue Reading »

this is four

Four is big hugs and big tears. It’s fighting a nap and then crashing before dinner … or taking a 3-hour snooze. It’s long, complicated stories and endless imagination. It’s enormous words and then baby talk.  It’s singing and dancing and begging for attention … and then slamming her bedroom door for “pwivacy!”

It’s the recognition of signs, directions, relationships. It’s opinions about  everything and anything.

It’s the shirk away for independence counterbalanced by the desire to be my little girl … snuggles, cuddles, I love yous.

It’s being big sister with big feelings, and being little still.  [Ever so little]. Continue Reading »


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