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Mommy, I’m Scared

The storm outside was raging like whoa last night: wild lightning, deafening claps of thunder, torrents of rain pounding the roof and gusts of wind that  threatened to bust through the glass windows in my bedroom at any moment.

Without even opening my eyes, I could picture the destruction outside  —  tree branches that had snapped in the violent wind, plants that had been knocked over by the buckets of rain, and grass that had been parched for weeks but would resemble a lake when dawn broke. Continue Reading »

Grief. It’s something so private, so personal, so profoundly felt … and yet the way in which we grieve has changed in many ways — particularly in the past few years  with the advent of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Today we share links to announcements and arrangements;  we post our own eulogies, professing our love and admiration for those we have lost. We write on the deceased’s Timeline. We tag him/her in photos  — right away, and then even long after they are gone, which can be jarring on a tough day to see in your newsfeed… or comforting on an even tougher day.

Though this public display of grief may seem strange to some  …  it is is the “new normal”  in a digital age. Timelines become our lifelines; our ways of connecting to those we have loved. A way to keep them alive. To remember. And to memorialize their beautiful lives.

Continue Reading »

On neediness

This morning I awoke all kinds of agitated. I had had a restless night of sleep (again, ugh) and had set my alarm for 6 AM so I could eke out a 4 or 5 mile run before the kids and Luis woke.  Like clock work, they sleep til 7 every day   … no matter what time they go to sleep, so I figured I had at least an hour to myself for “me” time.

I dragged myself out of bed, put my contact lenses in, brushed my teeth and was about to get dressed when I could hear Ben crying, “MOMMY! MOMMY!” from his room. It was 6, not 7. I may have said a swear word out loud.

The little devil on my shoulder said, “Let him cry for a few, he’ll be fine, eventually Luis will hear him …” but how could I turn my back on my baby and leave for an hour, knowing he was upset, and would likely wake the entire house, if Luis didn’t hear him? (He sleeps LIKE A ROCK). Continue Reading »

For a tech lover, I’m just a wee bit late to the fitness wearables game … but I got my much-anticipated Mother’s Day present a bit belated, thanks to the incredible demand for Fitbit Charge HR. My beautiful Plum model arrived Saturday and I have been loving it. LOVING it.

Already, this little piece of purple plastic adorning my wrist and its coordinating app have encouraged me to: Continue Reading »

I have tried to sit down and write countless times since Rachel passed [eight weeks ago tomorrow]  … but with my heart  not in it and attempting a fake-it-til-you-make-it  attitude (not to mention parenting two wild and crazy kids) words on paper screen just didn’t happen.

Like the gym and taking care of myself (enough sleep,  healthy food  choices) … in spite  of  knowing what to do and doing it (even in small increments)… writing has fallen to the wayside.

Of course, this isn’t the first  time I’ve uttered that phrase (and surely not the last),  but nonetheless  it saddens me … mostly  because she and I both had writing/blogging in common,  and our writing styles were  even similar — long  before we knew one another.

Life is funny like that, isn’t it? Continue Reading »

remnants

Though I didn’t realize it til tonight, today is four weeks since Rachel passed away. I’ve been an emotional wreck all day and couldn’t figure out why.

At first, I thought  it was because I was hormonal. Then I thought it was because I went to Chicago for work yesterday and didn’t  get home til 1:30 a.m. … not exactly a hop, skip and a jump from Kalamazoo. And then I assumed my mood was due to my kids being insanely challenging this morning and evening.

But then I happened to glance at  the calendar on my desk at work, and realized it’s Wednesday … which means it’s four Wednesdays now that have passed since I lost one of my best friends and that is why I’m moody, sad, drained.

Of course. And all of it compounded and added up to me being an emotional wreck. Continue Reading »

For as tiny and petite as Maya is (still only in 25th percentile for height and weight–as she has been all her life), she has always been a good eater: very in tune with her body, hunger levels, and even thirst.  I’ve often been impressed by how intuitively she eats — telling me she isn’t hungry “yet” for snack at snack-time  …  or asking for more at dinner because she isn’t satiated.  She constantly refills her own water glass and will often choose fruit before any other option.

She amazes me, day in and day out and I pray she’s always this good an eater.

I, on the other hand, have absolutely never, ever, ever been an intuitive eater.  Never.

Oh, sure, I’ve tried … many times. And have consistently failed. Continue Reading »

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